As you know we are fond of post it notes around here. Brad and I are going away (alone!) Thursday through Sunday and so you may see notes around the house like this:
Consequently you may also see one like this:
I don’t know if he was kidding or not but he really did say that he was going pack the spoon. Why on earth we would possibly need to take that I don’t know… I won’t be doing any cooking. Used properly, the belt and paddle can be two of my favorite things, so we’ll see.
I can’t seem to write anything right now, I am stuck. I’m not sure why I’ve been holding onto this post (below), but I did so I will post it now. It’s from a week or so ago. —-
Last Saturday was a long day. The spanking I last wrote about happened two nights before or it might have been the night before. I can’t remember. Saturday night was a very different spanking under very different circumstances and produced very different results.
The past week had been filled with moments of aggravation and snappiness. I hate channel flipping, seriously – the aggravation. I also hate talking and answering annoying questions early in the morning…that’s where the snappiness comes in. On more than one occasion I heard “you better knock it off”, got some glaring stares, or saw one of those grins that doesn’t necessarily convey happiness. Apparently these were warning signs, and I didn’t think too much of them. That was why when I got the text “p sp for you soon” – my first thought was “for what????”. I didn’t get the chance to talk to him for several hours after that, we were in public. So, there I was, very nervous, confused, and a little ticked. When we finally talked I found out what for – the reasons mentioned above. I didn’t realize that some of those things were bothering him that much, but I can’t say that I hadn’t been warned. The rest of the day I spent sucking up and being very sweet. I even made custard for dessert (which he loves). I am pretty sure he knew what I was doing… he said with perceptive grin “oh your making custard, maybe your spanking will be less severe”. I told him I hoped that we could just skip it all together, but all I got was “are you kidding me?” Guess not.
My next tactic was Sara’s panty trick. Never been seen before – super hot – lacy- pink panties. I was hoping to distract but he was obviously not paying attention. Oh well…. The emotion of the day had built up the tension in the pit of my stomach, but it was the sight of the spoon that brought it to the surface. I can’t begin to tell you the emotional reaction that spoon causes in me, I’m not sure why it’s been granted such power, but it’s there. After he began spanking, and btw I was surprisingly still, it did not take long at all. I was crying and crying and crying. He stopped and rubbed my back for a while, I though he was done but he was not. It just went on from there… and it was a relief when it was over. It was a rare moment for us. I don’t get punishment spankings very often, nor do I usually have such outwardly emotional reactions. I snuggled up to him and settled in for the night. I felt like we were a little closer, connected somehow by offense, payment, and reconciliation. He asked if I was ok, and yes I was fine. I think that is nice of him to ask but strikes me as funny. If he’s so worried about me being ok, stop using the spoon – then I will be just fine.
Thanks everyone for your comments (on the previous post). I’m still not sure I know what I am talking about. I do know this, I’m not concerned or worried about my response/feelings about it. No matter what we do or don’t do, it will be fine. It wasn’t a bad experience, just not sure it would be beneficial at this point to do it again. As Sara said, it’s good to experiment, try new things, grow in trust. I think that I am a person that needs to know about big things coming up. I don’t need to know ahead of time for any kind of maintenance or play, but new and big carry weight. I was overwhelmed, time might have helped, I just don’t know. On the flip side of that, other than new and big, I didn’t have a whole lot going on inside, I was in a happy and relaxed place before we started, I’m not sure why I expected any kind of emotional release, maybe sometimes there is just not one to have. I don’t know, something to think about. Kaylyn – same deal, I am not sure that any amount of prep would or would not have changed my reaction, but who knows. Greengirl – thanks, it took me a looonggg time to write (and even longer to publish it), and thank goodness for friends who help us work all these things out and make sense of them. Mick – it may be a while before we try that again, I’m not sure that either of us knows exactly how we feel about it.
I really appreciate everyone’s feed back, it helped me see some things that weren’t there before. Since I wrote the above paragraph Brad and I have talked about the last post and decided wait awhile before we do that again. It may be something we have to grow into, if we even decide that we like it or want to do it again. We’ll see….
I’m not sure what direction this post will take… this may be hard to write. Brad has taken all that I’ve said into consideration. He didn’t tell me so til later, I just knew. The topic I mentioned not really being ready for the other day, restraint… I suppose when you need to be ready, you just need to be ready and deal with it. I’ll try to not be overly dramatic about it all….
Lesson #1 is you can ask for what you want, be given all you want and more, but if your mind isn’t in the right place at the right time, you are going nowhere. When it comes to emotions, you can’t always expect the same outcome even if you follow the same recipe.
It was an experimental type event, really intense spanking, no more wrestling. I didn’t know it was coming until right before it happened. I didn’t have time to anticipate or contemplate, or freak out a little inside… There was no time to gather feelings. I reacted to the paddle instead of working with it. At the point of “I can’t take this any more”, the ability to move and the focus it takes to keep relatively still keeps me in some sort of rational thought… my brain is still engaged. Somehow this also translates to my heart being engaged. When I literally could not move, my thoughts/feelings… they were gone. I had to move from the outside struggle to an inside struggle and I ended up shutting down. There was no way I was going to get to that point of emotional release. In a sense I won, he didn’t get to me. But I lost, because he didn’t get to me. Intense experiences can cause “splitting off or numbing out what we’re feeling because what we’re experiencing is frightening us. When our environment is chaotic or fear inducing, we may…have a hard time ‘staying in our bodies’….Because our cortex shuts down when we’re frightened, the content of the experience that would normally get through and be processed may get more or less flash frozen…with little reason or understanding attached to it.” (Dayton) It’s not that I didn’t know or understand what was going on, I was certainly aware, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t summon emotion. I think that being restrained was too much for me at this time.
By the end of the spanking I was exhausted, grateful for the experience, but also grateful it was over. I had very little emotional reaction, what I was actually thinking was “that was interesting”. It did feed my submissive feelings to a degree, but no large emotional release. Brad was sweet, I did get a body rub afterwards, he’s so good at that… We talked shortly about how it went, I hadn’t really processed all this that I am talking about now, but he wanted to know how I felt about it. Too much? Not enough? He feels a bit uncomfortable watching me go through what it is I go through – even when it’s my idea. It was a good learning experience. I was talking with a friend about it and her experience is the complete opposite. She said “ok, you need to be free to be overpowered, not restrained….and I need the restraint to stop the fight, so I can give up and get ‘there’ ” And she is right, I need to stay engaged in every way to get “there”.
Oh boy, it just keeps on coming… As per our usual flirty texting, Friday was no different. As I alternated putting different kids on sleds and sending them down the hill, I would expose my poor hands to the 18 degree weather to let Brad in on the fantasy of the day. It felt very awkward with my father in law standing near by but I didn’t let it stop me.
I’m recognizing that I should be a little more careful with the thoughts I express on the phone. Yes, it is easier to be more daring, easier to get carried away, and easier to offer yourself up for things you decide later you want no part of. Ooops… Thankfully my husband is gracious and lets me back out, but he also pushes me a little bit too. He would have done what we had talked about, there was no pain directly involved, but I was mentally and emotionally not ready for it.
(Gotcha wondering what it is, huh? Sorry about that.)
Despite this, I think that I am still ahead of him in the game of how much can I handle in the pain department vs how much he is willing to dole out. Even though I tend to put up a struggle, I often end a session with an “is that it?” thought. It’s my own fault, he almost always asks me (after maintainance or play spanking) if I have had enough. Once in a while I’ll say no and we continue , but I abhor this question so I usually just say yes so we can move on. Early on I would talk to him or write him after spankings telling him how I felt about them. Too much, too little, would he try this or that. As he grew more into his role I felt like I needed to stop directing and just let him be responsible for how things went and be happy with whatever he decided. As much as it was for him to take charge, it was for me to practice contentment. It’s worked well for a long time but as you know things are always changing. I certainly don’t mind spanking/massage combos, but I’ve started to feel the need for a little more intensity. Brad seems happy to oblige. I mentioned in the last post a spanking that hurt. There is pain, and then there is pain. I had forgotten what pain felt like until last night. And we still didn’t make it across the line into me completely giving it up. I was almost past panic mode, I could feel tears welling up, my emotions were about to burst through. I could feel my whole self about to give up, and then he stopped – Which at the time was fine with me, but I was also a bit disappointed in myself. Inside there is a battle going on all the time. “Open up, no protect yourself” Mentally I work so hard to hold myself in tight that it literally has to be beaten out of me. It’s been done before, I had forgotten what it felt like, and somehow forgotten it was even possible. I remember how great it felt, and now and I want it.
It’s funny how our spanking needs correspond with what is going on our lives in general. When we started TTWD I went into it full force and the enthusiasm in the bedroom and progress in our relationship reflected that. The past month or so I’ve been content to just let what was be what it was. I was at a stand still, kind of waiting for something to happen. In the same way our spanking had mostly become very low key, easygoing. I now have new goals, big things that I want to change, and my needs around spanking are growing again. I’m not saying we all don’t need a rest now and then, but when your ready it’s a good feeling to be moving again.
Tuesday was Brad’s birthday. After a full night of having a special dinner and a little party with the kids, we relaxed in the family room and then we were on our way to play and add in a little maintenance, which has been lacking with our disrupted schedules of the holidays. He seemed very tired and I mentioned that we did not have to do anything now, it could wait till tomorrow. He seemed concerned that I would be disappointed, but I was not. I was actually looking forward to the opportunity for us to just lay there and have a nice talk together. We did chat about some things and then the conversation took an interesting turn. I won’t go into a lot of detail but the jist of it was how he feels weird having the hidden other life (dd) that no one knows about. I remember feeling that way in the beginning, but not anymore. I am blessed to have an entire social network related to my “hidden” life. It doesn’t feel like a secret to me. Not only that but many of you know things that I wouldn’t share with my closest real life friends. It doesn’t bother me, it feels well rounded and complete. I spent the next ten minutes stressing that no one that we know talks openly about their sex lives, plus I guarantee that we are not the only kinky ones. I don’t want to know who they are, and they probably feel the same. I’m happy with the way things are… But his feelings are what they are and it’s ok that it feels weird to him. I hope that he will get to a more comfortable place eventually. I was at first mildly concerned where this was going, but then remembered prior discussions we have had. He benefits greatly from TTWD and he knows it. So then it got quiet, we were just snuggling, I looked at him and his eyes were closed, he looked so peaceful and I thought “he’s falling asleep, he must be really tired”. I settled in ready to fall asleep myself and then all of a sudden he pops up and with an unusual amount of energy he says – “Get up, I want to spank you…” Huh? It took me a few moments to adjust my brain back to activity mode, I was feeling sluggish. Not one to argue, I willingly placed myself across his lap thinking – mmm…. this will be nice (see maintenance post below). Boy was I wrong! I was fine afterwards, but this spanking was like a lightning bolt shock to my system. For the past few months or so maintenance spanking has been more like light spanking and a full body rub down. Yes, like a massage, and it is so relaxing. So what happened to that kind of spanking? It went out the door obviously; the innocuous paddle was not so friendly anymore. I had a mixed bag of reactions, I was laughing and whimpering and unable to stop trying to drag myself off his lap. He was holding my hand behind my back so he didn’t have a good hold on me. It practically turned into a wrestling match. I’m not proud of my lack of self control here but we were having fun too. My biggest mistake was flipping over in the middle of a spanking, getting smacked on the side your leg will make someone who rarely curses let it out quite loudly. Things only got more painful from there but by the end I was blissfully content and out of breath. The rest is history…