This weekend I’ve been reading in some new places, reading more than I have been lately, and something reminded me of a post I wrote way back in July. I was more of less talking about trying to take the overwhelming amount of information and finding a way to categorize in my mind as it may or may not apply to Brad and I. At the time I was having trouble feeling comfortable not having much structure to our new relationship style, not knowing what to expect from him, not know how I would react to certain things, not knowing where we would end up. It wasn’t bad, in fact it was exciting and new, but still uncomfortable. At least for the moment I am comfortable where we are, I feel satisfied. Two weeks from now may be a different story, I just don’t know.
When I first started my crazy exploration of the spanking blog world I was like a sponge soaking up every bit of information available. I was fun and interesting but also overwhelming. One thing has happened over this small amount of time, my ideas and feelings about all that I read, they have firmed up. My opinions are not jumping from box to box so much anymore (that was a reference to the past post). I have a better sense of what I want, what I don’t want, and a direction to follow. This is not say that I don’t want to try new ideas, new things, or do anything differently, only that there is more structure to our lifestyle. I was told back then by two people that this would happen, I believed them, and they were right.
Since it was fun to go back and read an old post I revisited this one also. I have to chuckle at myself being so concerned if I “liked” pain. Honestly, I’m not sure that I can fully explain my feelings on the subject yet, but I also think “who cares?”. I don’t mind exploring how I feel about it, but I no longer am I “worried” about being a masochist. I don’t know that I fit any particular single word description. In the past several months I’ve become much more comfortable with who I am and what I enjoy. I don’t mind saying I’ll look forward all day to a spanking and hope that it’s all I can handle and more, right up until it starts that is. When it really hurts, I’ll want out, and when it’s over I don’t regret a thing. I love it when Brad pushes us, pushes me past what I think I can bear. It doesn’t happen a lot, but that is fine with me too. Secondly, I know spanking is more to me than just a sexual thrill. I know now that much of the reason that I crave spankings is because they reinforce my submissive side. It is not easy for me to maintain that mode consistently, especially now that the newness has worn off. Being submissive makes my husband happy, and that makes me feel good and ultimately works in my favor anyway. So I need the spanking sometimes, you can call it self medicating.
The other old post that makes me laugh was about the vacuum cord. I wonder if people read that and think it is a silly reason to spank. (It’s ok, I think it’s silly.) In defense of Brad it’s not really about the vacuum cord but about the years that he has been frustrated with me for not putting things away correctly and immediately. That was one of the first punishment spankings and led to no small amount of stress on my nerves that evening. I actually can still remember it and it made an impression. I am happy to say I haven’t been spanked for that since.