I hate to ask for it

When it comes to spanking there is not much more that I despise than asking for one.  It’s not that I don’t want it, nor am I looking for punishment type spanking, I just want it to be initiated by Brad.  I want it to be his idea and I want him to want to spank, for whatever reason. You may be wondering…  Why Ally?  Why does it matter so much to you?   I’ll get to it……. 

These are the some of the ways I will try to “ask” for a spanking (without actually asking)  –

“I think I could use some attention…” (big smile)

“Do you want to do anything (to me) tonight? “(wink, wink)

Sometimes I will just give him a long unyielding stare in bed, at which point he usually asks graciously “Is there something I can do for you?” (he knows exactly what I’m doing)

I am rarely direct about it- to say “please may I have a spanking?”  seems too… awkward. Besides, the first two times I said directly to him “I need a spanking”, I was admonished for being demanding.  It partly depends on my motives as to how much I hate asking for one.  If it’s for foreplay and sexual reasons, that is when I least mind.  When it’s for “just because I want one” spankings (or any other reason), asking almost ruins it for me.  Maybe b/c it introduces the element of choice, obviously if I am asking for it, I am chosing for a spanking to happen. Whether it happens or not still depends on Brad, but I have had to make the first move, and I don’t like it.  It’s kind of like kissing.  I don’t want to ask for kisses all the time, I want them to come freely, because he loves me and is internally driven to kiss me.  I know it’s not exactly the same, but this pattern of thinking seems to be a woman thing.  How many times have we heard a woman (yourself, a friend, in a movie or tv show) say “I don’t want to tell him _________ , I just want him to know.”  And I’d say we want them to intuitively know b/c it makes us feel like our guys are tuned into us and that makes us feel loved.  It reminds me of the movie The Breakup, Aniston’s character says something like, “I don’t want you to do the dishes, I want you to want to do the dishes.”  Replace “to do the dishes” with “spank” and I think that is how many women feel about it.  Gentlemen, I’ve seen more than once some of you say you’d like for us to just tell you what we want.  I didn’t say it was fair, but there must  be a way to reconcile the opposing needs so that everyone is happy.  Any ideas?

* I wrote the above a few weeks ago.  There was actually more to this but I felt like it no longer applied.  I still hate to ask, I don’t think that will change any time soon but something very nice has taken its place.  I’ve not been so spanking crazy for a while now, I have settled down a lot and I’m comfortable where we are.  So, I have stopped asking, at least lately, I’ve almost become ambivalent about it.  I said almost.  What has happened as a result is that now when Brad is in the mood it is a nice surprise for me.  Even when I don’t really feel like it and have to anyway, I still appreciate that it’s happening on his insistence (because he wants too) ….and often that is enough to get me in the mood.  I love that he’s stretching and strengthening those dominance muscles.  I love that I don’t have to ask for it.  I love that I’m not having to constantly focus on moving the relationship forward.  It is just sort of slowing floating along right now.  Slowly, but comfortably.   


11 thoughts on “I hate to ask for it

  1. Mick says:

    Ally, this makes a bit of sense to me. Have you shown this post to Brad? I’ve been one of those guys who have said “how are we supposed to know what you want if you don’t say so?” But some thoughts such as these seem quite helpful.

    It sounds like your backing off has allowed Brad to find his style. If a guy feels like he’s being pushed, he has a hard time making his way because he’s too busy being stubborn. Something about that doesn’t make sense, but hey you women aren’t the only ones that are confusing :).

    Hope things continue well.

  2. Ally says:

    Mick – you were definately one of the guys I was talking about. I’m glad that I made (some) sense, I am sure that Brad will see this soon. And yes, backing seems to be leading to better places, even if I wasn’t doing it on purpose. 🙂

  3. Sara says:

    Isn’t it funny how when we step back they step forward? And yet…it almost seems like it will never happen until it finally does. I suspect the cycles will continue, but he will get better at reading you and maybe you will get better at asking. I’m glad you’re at a good place!

  4. greengirl says:

    This whole needing thing really trips me up as well – but after all, it’s a good problem to have. I remind myself that it means he is overall concerned about meeting my needs.

  5. Ally says:

    Sara, It does seems to work out that way doesn’t it. If I could just remember…. 🙂

    Greengirl, Challenges and all, I am happy to be where I am. 🙂

  6. Sarah says:

    Ally, I have just started reading you blog and am enjoying it immensely. I too am married and just starting to explore some of these things with my husband. In reading your past posts I have found it really comforting that there is someone else out there who is or has gone through what I am.

    Anyway, in regards to this particular post I can’t count how many times I have tried to telepathically tell my husband what I want him to do! It’s so frustrating because it never works, and even though I know I have that option of asking for it (particularly in regards to spankings), I too feel that it takes alot of the meaning away. It isn’t quite as enjoyable if you know he is just doing it because you want him to and he has no real interest in doing it at that moment himself. Something I’ve found really helpful is to have little nonsense rules that normally I wouldn’t break, but if I wanted a playful punishment I could break and that way my husband knows what I want and I didn’t necessarily have to ask him for it. It’s just our little fix to that problem. 😀

    Also, I noticed back in the beginning that you posted about reading the Love and Respect book (great book by the way), and I thought of something that you might be interested in. In Seattle, Washington there is a pastor named Mark Driscoll and he has a video series called The Peasant Princess. My husband and I are currently going through it and are enjoying it immensely! If you’re interested and what more information let me know and I can tell you how to get it. It is free which is a plus.

    Again, I am enjoying your blog! Keep it rolling!


  7. Ally says:

    Sarah, I am so glad you are reading and enjoying my blog. I appreciate you letting me know.
    The name Mark Driscoll sounds familiar to me, I must have heard it on the radio or something. I would definately be interested in hearing more about it, feel free to email me anytime.

  8. Hermione says:

    I don’t like asking either. I am always torn between letting him decide when he feels like it and telling him what I want. I think it’s a guy thing that when you ask, they are less likely to want it. If you wait till they initiate, it may be when you aren’t up to it, but it’s right for them. I think it’s a give and take situation and there’s probably going to be a bit of each.


  9. Ally says:

    Hermione, I agree, I’m sure there will always be some give and take, and hopefully we will meet in the middle sometimes too.

  10. Sir J says:

    perhaps it would help if you established and easier way to ask that removes the potential direct rejection.

    You could for instance settle on a piece of jewelry, earrings or a bracelet that signals a desire to play (I use that word as metaphor for whatever you do, spanking etc.). If he wants to play he leaves them out in a prescribed place if you put them on then the game is a foot so to speak. If you want to start things you leave them out and if he is up for it he picks them up and gives them to you to wear.

    If either side does not want to then you put them back away and you can discuss it when it is appropriate.

  11. Ally says:

    thank you for the suggestion J

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