Intimacy

Intimacy – stripping away your outer, more public ways of being and sharing your inner life with another person;   radical, honest self-disclosure, trusting another person enough to share your deepest fears and your greatest vulnerabilities

When I think about intimacy between Brad and I, I can see that it come and gone in phases.  Life can get in the way and at the times when it’s most needed are often the times that we miss the boat.  There are times when I would rather tell a complete stranger how I’m feeling than him.  I’d rather not risk being misunderstood or feeling uncared for or possibly rejection by someone who I am personally invested in.  Not that we make a habit of those but our communication can be faulty at times.  Rejection of your feelings or dismissal of your needs is painful.  The past few years have been a wonderful time of growth and maturity in our relationship and we have been experiencing the rewards of that.  Still, at times it can be hard to open up, to share when I really want to, it feels like rocking the boat.   The walls build themselves if I don’t constantly work to level them.  It’s hard work and I can get tired of it.  It’s easy to be busy with family, with responsibilities, and fill my head with unimportant things instead.  It’s easy to ignore the work and it gets in the way of intimacy.

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A new year

 The other day I saw a Dr Phil quote and it caught my attention -“If you want more, you have to require more from yourself.”  It frustrated me then because it was the week before Christmas.  “I can’t possibly require more of myself right now.  I have nothing left.  I am drained”.   But now Christmas is over and instead of “holiday drop” I feel relieved and I am looking forward to the new year.  I always feel refreshed at New Year’s, it’s a time to take stock and refocus.  I have more energy and I can make plans and set goals.  My goal for this week is to set some realistic and definitive goals for this year.  One of those goals has got to be to work on staying open.  I’ve majorly regressed in this area in the past few months.  Not sure why or how that happened, it just did.   This year I want to continue to grow into and know the person I am, to be more self-assured, be more open, and to make better choices.

kitchen counters and paddles

Hey everybody, I am starting to feel better, thank you for all your supportive comments.   The closer we get to Christmas the easier it is to let go of some of whatever it is inside me.  The week after Christmas Brad will be off work all week, I am really looking forward to spending more time together.  It should be a relaxing time.

I wanted to share something funny that Brad did this morning, I’m still laughing about it.  (Sara, I know you will appreciate this one.)  I’ve  been trying to keep our kitchen counters clear of clutter, which is no easy task with all the baking, school papers, cards, and pictures floating around the house.  Brad hates clutter and the kitchen counters see the most of it.  Anyway, they have looked pretty good the past couple days and this morning he left me a note on the counter.  It says “counter looks awesome!  you can keep it looking awesome!”  and below he drew a very muscular looking guy wielding a paddle.    I laughed when I saw it and told him he was very funny.  He wanted to know if it was threatening enough…. (don’t worry, he was kidding.)

changes

It’s officially over, the relative ease with which I was coasting through life the past 2-3 weeks.  I’m not sure what happened except what goes up must come down.  Starting Monday after a nice weekend a cloud settled over me and I can’t seem to shake it.  It started with some minor stress that morning and an email from my Grandpa, the one who just lost his wife.  He is so lonely and sad and so far way from us.  I feel guilty that I cannot be there for him, but it’s just not possible.  I feel pretty helpless and crappy about that situation. 

Everyday I feel like I could burst into tears at the drop of hat, and I have several times.  It feels ridiculous to be making cookies and crying.  I’m trying to stay positive, my immediate family is happy and healthy and we are so blessed in many ways.  It’s everyone else around me who is falling apart, mostly physical problems or health issues.  I’m working over time to deal with those things and help with what they need.   Doing nice things for others should be energizing, not exhausting.  I’m sleeping well, but I am still so tired. 

Alright, the pity party is over, I just had to get that off my chest.

holiday stress spanking

Our way that we practice DD is meant to make our relationship smoother.  It has accomplished that for the most part, I would say it has reduced the amount of time we spend arguing or being mad by 90%.  Our way isn’t perfect, but it is working for us so far. 

Our way means that when I haven’t told Brad what is going on with our day and then get frustrated and snappy with him for not knowing, I get paddled.  Hard.  And he’s all smooth and cool about it too, which can be disarming.  We were already in the bedroom, arguing or something, and before I know it he has the paddle in his hand and he’s telling me to bend over the bed.  What? No. No, come on (I was whining.)  I was not in the mood for an attitude adjustment.  I wanted to stay irritated and bossy.  He insisted and I swear sometimes it hurts more with pants on, I don’t know why.  It was not a long spanking, maybe not long enough.  Afterwards, I was trying really hard not to pout. 

We were getting ready to go out (the kids were gone), and 5 minutes later he came back into our room.  He had a different air about him this time, an air that I mistook for a less aggressive approach.  I knew from the look on his face what he really wanted.  However, after I went back over the bed again my pants came down I was surprised  by the paddle again.  The intention was different this time but it still hurting a little too much.  I was on fire and squirming and begging him to stop. I’m not sure if it was on purpose or b/c I was not still but he kept hitting the backs of my thighs.   I can only describe the feeling as sharp pain and seeing flashes of white-hot light, like my brain is trying to distract me from the pain.  I’m guessing most of the girls out there know what I’m talking about.  I was loving it and hating it all at the same time.  When he was done, I can’t say I was back to my lovely self, but I was definitely suppressing any bad attitude I had left.  We did go out shopping together and had dinner.  It ended up being a nice evening together afterall.

Comfort Food

I had almost given up on my quest for a decent chicken pot pie recipe.  I wanted one that was hearty, moderately healthy, and of course delicious.  This summer a good friend made this for our family the day of Brad’s first surgery.  I loved it!  I love it so much that as I was making it this afternoon I decided to share it with all of you, just in case you’ve been searching for the perfect recipe too.

Chicken Pot Pie

2 frozen deep dish pie crusts (or make your own)

1 potato- cubed (or more if desired)

1 c frozen mixed vegetables

1 can cream of chicken soup

approx. 1 c ckn stock or broth

aprox. 1 lb chicken breasts

Preheat oven to 375F.   Put one pie crust in the bottom of a greased/sprayed pie plate.  Cook your chicken and cube it or shred it. 

In a large bowl add chicken, potato, vegetables, and cream of chicken soup.  Slowly add ckicken stock and stir frequently, keep adding until you get the consistancy you like. 

Place the other pie crust on top, cut slits, and if you want you can brush it with and egg wash.

Place on a baking sheet and cook for 1 1/2 hours or until done.

Let it sit for about 10 minutes before eating.