My husband has a real passion for post it notes. He uses at least one a day with a list on it for things to remember. It stays in his pocket until he comes home in the evening. This is in addition to the planner he keeps with him, which also has post it notes here and there. To say he likes to be organized is an understatement. I told you a few posts ago about how he has decreed that they must always be in a certain spot so he doesn’t have to search for them. Well, there are very few things that I spanked for, I think I can handle this one, even though it seems very arbitrary to me. It is indicative of a larger problem, the kitchen is frequently a catch all for the junk that I don’t know what to do with, or where to place. The counter get messy daily and it’s a struggle for me to keep up with, mainly because it’s not the most important thing to me. I am trying for Brad, and I like it better when everything is clear too.
I was in a terrible mood all day Saturday, and I was letting it show. By evening I felt better, Brad was watching football, and as I went into my bedroom for bed my stomach did a flip flop. I noticed the paddle and wooden spoon were out, on my side of the bed. Attached was a blank post it note, maybe he forgot to make the note to spank me? Irritated, but nervous, I tossed them over to his side of the bed and layed down to watch TV until Brad came back. The butterflies in my stomach were multiplying with every minute. As he came in on crutches I wanted to laugh, I briefly thought of simply leaving the room, he couldn’t catch me if he wanted too. But I am not a bad girl usually, so instead I just glared at him. (Ok, a little bad.) I suspected that this was over my attitude for the day, but he informed me that I’d been leaving the note pad out all week. (I found out later that he thought I was doing it on purpose again to get a reaction from him, with I was not. That little trick last week has turned around and bitten me in the butt twice now.) I didn’t want a spanking at that point, and I can always do without the spoon! It was good though because I needed it badly. There has not been a lot of spanking of any kind lately and the emotional tension in my body is buzzing like a live wire. The spanking did hurt, but was pretty short. I could have used three times the amount. I realized after the spanking that there are walls between us, walls that I started and allowed to grow and grow. I had been on the verge of tears all day, struggling to hold them back, yet when I needed them most they were checked at the door during my spanking. I wanted desperately to release all tension but it did not come. I am an expert at withholding emotion during highly emotional times. It’s my defense. A defense I would rather not have anymore. I don’t know exactly what I need to leave that behind… I have an idea where to start. I need to start talking, and when my defenses are down, I need a longer spanking, preferably with something other than the spoon.