This isn’t about spanking really, well, it’s related a little bit. I am wondering if I would be able to be successful with this lifestyle if I were not regularly writing. I’m writing for my blog right now, if I wasn’t I could be writing in a journal. I could be writing just for myself, or to also share thoughts with Brad. I’m not sure if I would have the same drive to write as often if I didn’t have the blog.
I love my blog. It’s opened my heart and mind up in ways that I am not always sure what to think at times. I’m thankful for that but also it can be overwhelming. Often my posts will come from the extremes of my emotions. It’s freeing and scary and enjoyable and frustrating all at the same time. Not every time, but sometimes. I mentioned that writing for the blog has opened me up, the difficult thing is that it forces me to remain open (if I want to write meaningfully). I’m not used to constantly exposing my thoughts, emotions, intense events, and daily life in such a public way. I’m anonymous in the sense that you wouldn’t know me if you saw me on the street. I’m still Ally though, and Ally experiences acceptance and rejection the same way I do. We are one person.
The openness is just the beginning to learning about myself, TTWD is the other vehicle that forces me open. And yes, reveals aspects of myself to me that I’d either rather not see or did not realize were there. I had no idea how uncommunicative I was until I wanted to communicate in the worst way. I had no idea the level of mistrust and anxiety I felt about relationships, until I was required to trust on a deeper level. I’ve begun to see my relationship with Brad change slowly as I change, and he changes too. We had a great little honeymoon period there for a while, it dipped, and now I can feel us getting back into the swing of things. Slowly but surely it’s working. There are and will be hard times for us, and times where everything feels at a standstill. Regardless, I love watching the changes. What I was wanting to get to with this post was the paragraph in my book that grabbed at me. I didn’t really give much of a lead in, but it is about relationships, and I’ll bet on some level we can all relate. Here it is:
“Trauma can put us in the double bind of both wanting to withdraw from close relationships and to seek them desperately. The profound disruption of basic trust- the common feelings of shame, guilt, and inferiority, and the need to avoid reminders of the relationship trauma that might be found in social or intimate life- may all foster withdrawal from close relationships. But the terror of rupture and emotional, psychological, or physical abandonment intensifies our need for protective attachments. The traumatized person therefore frequently alternates between isolation and anxious clinging to others.”
I had some awareness about myself in this area, but not this plainly. It explains a lot, and more than I care to admit. I haven’t yet figured out the rhyme or reason as to why one relationship might make me more anxious than another. At first I thought it might relate to how important they were in my life, but it doesn’t always work that way. It is true that my husband is the most important person in my life, he is the most constant, I have no fear that he will leave me. Not a bit, but I do struggle with trusting his feelings for me. I have two amazing real life friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. I have no anxiety in these relationships at all. I have more examples but I won’t get into them…. Anybody else identify with this?