relationships: isolation and connection

This isn’t about spanking really, well, it’s related a little bit.  I am wondering if I  would be able to be successful with this lifestyle if I were not regularly writing.  I’m writing for my blog right now, if I wasn’t I could be writing in a journal.  I could be writing just for myself, or to also share thoughts with Brad.  I’m not sure if I would have the same drive to write as often if I didn’t have the blog. 

I love my blog.  It’s opened my heart and mind up in ways that I am not always sure what to think at times.  I’m thankful for that but also it can be overwhelming.  Often my posts  will come from the extremes of my emotions.  It’s freeing and scary and enjoyable and frustrating all at the same time.  Not every time, but sometimes.  I mentioned that writing for the blog has opened me up, the difficult thing is that it forces me to remain open (if I want to write meaningfully).  I’m not used to constantly exposing my thoughts, emotions, intense events, and daily life in such a public way.  I’m anonymous in the sense that you wouldn’t know me if you saw me on the street.  I’m still Ally though, and Ally experiences acceptance and rejection the same way I do.  We are one person.  

The openness is just the beginning to learning about myself, TTWD is the other vehicle that forces me open.  And yes, reveals aspects of myself to me that I’d either rather not see or did not realize were there.  I had no idea how uncommunicative I was until I wanted to communicate in the worst way.  I had no idea the level of mistrust and anxiety I felt about relationships, until I was required to trust on a deeper level.  I’ve begun to see my relationship with Brad change slowly as I change, and he changes too.  We had a great little honeymoon period there for a while, it dipped, and now I can feel us getting back into the swing of things.  Slowly but surely it’s working.  There are and will be hard times for us, and times where everything feels at a standstill.  Regardless, I love watching the changes.  What I was wanting to get to with this post was the paragraph in my book that grabbed at me.  I didn’t really give much of a lead in, but it is about relationships, and I’ll bet on some level we can all relate.  Here it is: 

“Trauma can put us in the double bind of both wanting to withdraw from close relationships and to seek them desperately.  The profound disruption of basic trust- the common feelings of shame, guilt, and inferiority, and the need to avoid reminders of the relationship trauma that might be found in social or intimate life- may all foster withdrawal from close relationships.  But the terror of rupture and emotional, psychological, or physical abandonment intensifies our need for protective attachments. The traumatized person therefore frequently alternates between isolation and anxious clinging to others.”

T. Dayton

I had some awareness about myself in this area, but not this plainly. It explains a lot, and more than I care to admit.  I haven’t yet figured out the rhyme or reason as to why one relationship might make me more anxious than another.  At first I thought it might relate to how important they were in my life, but it doesn’t always work that way.  It is true that my husband is the most important person in my life, he is the most constant, I have no fear that he will leave me.  Not a bit, but I do struggle with trusting his feelings for me.  I have two amazing real life friends that I hang out with on a regular basis.  I have no anxiety in these relationships at all.  I have more examples but I won’t get into them….   Anybody else identify with this?

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8 thoughts on “relationships: isolation and connection

  1. Meow says:

    Very thought provoking! I’ll need to think about this one a while. I do know what you mean – writing my blog forces me to put things out there for others to see and comment on. There is more feedback than in a journal or just sharing with one person. Meow

  2. Mick says:

    Ally, I love writing and I especially love having a responsive audience.

    One of the things that is required in our writing is that openness that you talk about, and yes, it is disconcerting and even frightening at times. But professional writers say this is part of the price we pay.

    Maybe it’s part of the payoff as well–self awareness.

  3. Sara says:

    Opening oneself is hard work, I think. The thing is, TTWD can be, if we choose to make it, a vehicle to self knowledge and relationship development. But that is risky business. Looking in the mirror is not always easy, and I think we all see every bump as a crater, when we are looking at ourselves. On the other hand, what’s the alternative? Keep your head in the sand, I guess? It works for so many too!

    The writing…yes, revealing, scary, interesting and fun. It’s often a challenge, but rewarding things tend to be.

  4. Sir J says:

    I found writing very difficult and a most unnatural way of expressing myself. I did learn a lot about the way I think putting things out there though.

    As for the anxious part when you figure it out write a book you will be rich. (I would buy it)

  5. Janet says:

    The openness and communication that is an essential for a DD relationship does make us look at ourselves in a different light. More revealing at times then perhaps we would like it to be.

    However with that communication comes understanding. Understanding of ones self and ones partner. It is a beautiful thing even if at times it can be painful.

    Yes, being a DD blogger and putting our most intimate details out there for the world to see can be hard at times but it also gives us a chance to really explore ourselves and others.

    Keep up the great blogging!
    Janet

  6. Ally says:

    Meow – Let me know what you think 🙂 I do like and am wary of the audience at the same time. It’s a very different feeling from anything I’ve done before, but I do like it, I think it benefits me

    Mick – I do love having a responsive audience, it definately helps keep me going

    Sara – no pain, no gain? right? 🙂

    J- I am surprised to hear you say that about writing, you do it so well.
    You? Anxious…. interesting.

    Janet – Thanks. It really is worth it isn’t it?

  7. Florida Dom says:

    Ally: I wouldn’t feel wary of the audience. I think this tends to be a supportive community and it’s all anonymous anyway. And I think it’s good that blogging enabled you to open up more and communicate better.

    That’s an interesting comment about worrying about trusting your feelings with your husband. My guess — and it is just a guess — is that maybe because you have so much of an emotional commitment to your husband that it’s only natural to feel a little anxious about receiving all that emotion back even if you know he’ll never leave you.

    FD

  8. Ally says:

    FD – Thanks for your thoughful comment. My wariness is due to my own personal internal crap. I really for the most part have not experienced anything but the best here.
    About the husband and feelings and all. Your guess made me think and I think it is correct in a way. But also, again due to my own personal crap that I have been really working on lately. That part doeesn’t have anything to do with Brad. The poor guy is just the recipient of my insecurity when it’s triggered. Here is the other thing, I know that I will never leave him, I know he will never leave me, but the fear lies in being alone within the marriage in which I am committed too. So your right, anxiousness about getting back what I put in. Thanks for making me think about that more.

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