We are in limbo…again, next Friday is another surgery for Brad and he is having a lot of pain these days. It pretty much takes over our lives when this happens. Correction, it takes over his life and we have to work around it. For whatever reason, the past four weeks or so I hadn’t put two and two together. Maybe because his pain isn’t as visible as before. I’ve been banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why things feel so off between us. We just aren’t connecting well. I didn’t realize how much he was hurting until last night, he just doesn’t talk about it a lot and I tend to assume he’s moody when he’s tired or hurting. We had a good discussion last night about it all. I told him that I was just going to put any issues or needs on hold until he has recovered. I feel at this point he is pretty much unavailable and he agreed, but said he was available in small doses. As long as we are both on the same page here I can wait. It doesn’t work well for me to be spanked knowing that he’s just doing it for me and is suffering through it. I just can’t enjoy it that way. I feel bad for him and I only end up more troubled than I was in the first place. If he wants to initiate spanking I most definitely will roll with it happily, but I can’t ask for them at this time. I think it’s counterproductive. I feel good about this decision, it takes off a lot of the pressure I’ve been feeling to move things forward. It’s all just on hold for a week or two.
In the meantime I am reading a book about relationship trauma. The doctor who wrote this book coined this term, it basically means trauma that occurs within the context of a relationship (especially a caregiver or someone you love). The book is very explanatory about how our experiences affect our brains, especially when we are young. It has been great in helping me understand some thing to avoid as a parent so that I don’t screw up my own kids the way that I experienced. It’s also teaching me a lot about myself, as the book is about regaining balance as an adult. Dealing with things you weren’t able to deal with as a child because they were too frightening or overwhelming. Little minds can’t process things the way adults are able to and it affects the way you see yourself in world. I don’t know if I will post about myself in this area, I might but it’s awfully raw for me. We’ll see.
That’s all for now, have a great day everyone!