on hold

We are in limbo…again, next Friday is another surgery for Brad and he is having a lot of pain these days.  It pretty much takes over our lives when this happens.  Correction, it takes over his life and we have to work around it.  For whatever reason, the past four weeks or so I hadn’t put two and two together. Maybe because his pain isn’t as visible as before.  I’ve been banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why things feel so off between us.  We just aren’t connecting well. I didn’t realize how much he was hurting until last night, he just doesn’t talk about it a lot and I tend to assume he’s moody when he’s tired or hurting.  We had a good discussion last night about it all. I told him that I was just going to put any issues or needs on hold until he has recovered.  I feel at this point he is pretty much unavailable and he agreed, but said he was available in small doses.  As long as we are both on the same page here I can wait.  It doesn’t work well for me to be spanked knowing that he’s just doing it for me and is suffering through it.  I just can’t enjoy it that way.  I feel bad for him and I only end up more troubled than I was in the first place.  If he wants to initiate spanking I most definitely will roll with it happily, but I can’t ask for them at this time. I think it’s counterproductive. I feel good about this decision, it takes off a lot of the pressure I’ve  been feeling to move things forward.  It’s all just on hold for a week or two.

In the meantime I am reading a book about relationship trauma.  The doctor who wrote this book coined this term, it  basically means trauma that occurs within the context of a relationship  (especially a  caregiver or someone you love).  The book is very explanatory about how our experiences affect our brains, especially when we are young.  It has been great in helping me understand some thing to avoid as a parent so that I don’t screw up my own kids the way that I experienced.  It’s also teaching me a lot about myself, as the book is about regaining balance as an adult. Dealing with things you weren’t able to deal with as a child because they were too frightening or overwhelming.  Little minds can’t process things the way adults are able to and it affects the way you see yourself in world.  I don’t know if I will post about myself in this area, I might but it’s awfully raw for me.  We’ll see.

That’s all for now, have a great day everyone!


10 thoughts on “on hold

  1. mouse says:

    I’m sorry you’re both going through such a difficult time and you’re totally right about not wanting to post very raw feelings. I sometimes post the semi-raw stuff as a way of working through it but I’ve learned to sit with those very raw feelings. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.



  2. Mick says:

    Ally, my prayers go up for Brad’s health. Thank you for caring for your husband. I know he cares for you, too.

  3. Sir J says:

    Ally, as a suffer of chronic pain I feel for Brad and wish all the best. I too know the difficulty in admitting how bad it is to a loved one and the feelings of inadequacy that complicate an already stressful situation. You may feel right now that what he needs is for you to be a Saint and that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself. If he knows you love him and are there for him he can pull through.

    My Mother once told me when my first child was born that as a parent I would work very hard not to make the mistakes I feel she did and that was fine. Many years from now my son would work to do the same thing with his kids. She is a wise woman.


  4. Ronnie says:

    Ally, It’s good that you talked.

    I wish Brad all the best and a quick recovery.

    Love to you both.

  5. Meow says:

    I hope the surgery goes well and that it helps with the pain. Thanks for sharing this. Sometimes I forget to allow for how Lash is feeling and it’s a good reminder that we don’t always know what’s going on inside our partner. If you know how long you have to wait (you said a week or two) it helps with being patient. Hugs to you both, Meow

  6. Ally says:

    You guys are all so wonderful and supportive, I just love you all. I really appreciate it, it helps.

  7. Sara says:

    Ally, I think there are times when r/l does interfere with spanking and TTWD. Frustrating, but nothing to be done but be patient and there for each other as much as you can be.

    As for the relationship trauma…yes, of course. Look up Melanie Klein and Object Relations Theory. Here is a place to start: http://changingminds.org/disciplines/psychoanalysis/concepts/object_relations.htm Of course I think EVERYONE would benefit by psychoanalytic psychotherapy…but I am a bit biased and of that persuasion. We go to school to learn to work in a profession but not to learn how to work ourselves and our relationships. That seems a bit skewed in priorities to me. Anyway, I think it will be helpful to you and your kids that you are investigating this. Recognizing your issues (we all have them) and working to resolve them is a sign of strength not weakness!

  8. greengirl says:

    Waiting is the hardest thing, it feels like doing nothing, but its not the same at all. I wish you both health and strength.

  9. Ally says:

    Sara – I’m hanging in with the situation here, we are doing well. I looked at your link and some other stuff, we’ll have to talk later, I’m still not getting it…

  10. Ally says:

    Greengirl – Thank you for your comment, waiting is a pain in the neck, or in this case, a pain in Brad’s hip. Not too much longer now.

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