when it’s not enough…

I wrote this several days ago about events that took place last week.  I considered not posting it, it’s kind of embarrassing to me.  However, there is an important lesson to be learned here.  Don’t provoke your man, it might get you what you want, but it won’t really be what you want. It is a mistake.

“I knew you were in the mood for a severe beating”….. is what he said.  Well, I am not sure that I would have phrased it that way, but if that’s how he wants to put it…

This weekend was not among my most shining moments.  I was desperate and irritated, and lonely.  And yes, I did some bad things, on purpose. Sort of.  How did this all start?  I’m not entirely sure, it was a slow build.  I know that I have been feeling neglected.  It’s not all his fault, it’s been a busy week for us and sometimes it just happens that way.  I did get spanked this week, all in fun, and it was even a pretty good one, but still just not quite enough.  I must be high maintenance in this area, I need a certain amount of action to keep me happy and to retain those submissive feelings.  I try to be gracious about it, to not be hounding him all the time about what I need.  In this case, I had a growing deficit and so the spanking this week didn’t begin to cover it. 

How was I bad this week? Brad had started complaining about not being able to find the post it notes when he needed them.  There is a place in the kitchen where they should be, but normally they are laying on the counter, or they may be under some papers or something.  It became a half joke that always putting the post it note pad back where it goes should be a rule.  It’s funny, but it really is important to him.  He is very organized and writes notes to himself all the time.  He wants things to be where they are supposed to be.  I recognized this as an opportunity to mess with him a little bit, and probably get some attention directed my way.  I would leave the post its here and there, for about three days.  He would always comment but that was  it.  Finally, Friday I was losing my mind, I was either trying to annoy him or flirt with him, looking for some consideration.  And then came out the major attitude.  (Turns out this was flirting with disaster.)  This was partially on purpose, but it was genuine frustration too.  It sure got his attention and he tried to get me back to the bedroom right then.  I resisted, (I hear your collective gasps, let me explain) our kids were in the room, that was a problem for me.  They are young, but not stupid.  There wasn’t much he could do. 

I knew a spanking was coming later and my desire the attention was fading quite quickly.  I was already regretting this turn of events.   Even worse, the hated wooden spoon that I had so far avoided for quite a while made an appearance.  Just seeing it come out reduces me to internal whimpering.   All in all, it wasn’t the worst punishment spanking I have ever received, but I had bruises.  And it still wasn’t enough.  Inner turmoil was starting to set in, what was going on with me?  I couldn’t figure out what it was that was keeping me so…..so discontented.  There was a lot more going on underneath the spanking problem.  After some thought, and talking through it with a friend, I figured a few things out.  My submissive feelings were missing, and I missed them.  There were some relationship things going on that were preventing those feelings from coming back.  I was very frustrated with both of us. 

Saturday night, as the issues were being brought into the light, I wrote Brad a note telling him all the things I was feeling.  That I had provoked him. I felt like we were far apart, I was missing those lovely submissive feelings, and I needed more from him.  I passed this note to him on my way to bed without a word.  Not five minutes later he came in and to make a long story short, (without the spoon) I got more than I needed. Well, not really.  I needed it all.   And it was enough.

It was the next night when I asked him if he had anything to say about my note, that’s what he said with a smile, “I knew you were in the mood for a severe beating”.

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13 thoughts on “when it’s not enough…

  1. Meow says:

    It can all be very confusing, I know. How much is enough? It changes from day to day. Why can’t they know this without being told? (grin) I know you stopped by and read about my confusing needs for spanking. I guess we all go through it! I’m glad it was “enough” and not too much. Take care, Ally! Meow

  2. greengirl says:

    Ally,
    I’m sorry you had such an uptight week – and I’m glad things are back on keel.

  3. Ally says:

    Meow – I always am interested when you talk about your need to connect to your emotions. I remember that you talked about depression before in July, you and I had very different symptoms but very similar outcomes. I rarely have trouble connecting to my emotions, but letting them out is another thing. I can really relate to what you said on some level.
    Ally

  4. Ally says:

    greengirl – Thank you, I really am feeling so much better now.
    Ally

  5. mouse says:

    I get that way too.

    hugs,
    mouse

  6. Mick says:

    Ally, I think the good thing here is that you worked to identify what was going on within yourself and you also worked hard to describe it to your husband. It didn’t happen in a minute. It happened in a week. And that’s pretty good.

    I’m learning from several of you that I’m not the only confused guy out there. I know the women often think we guys don’t have a clue, but believe me, we have a hard time telling you where we’re coming from, too. And I know that’s confusing to you.

    I guess it’s not suppossed to be easy. Bravo for you and your husband for working through it–sounds like there was some fun in the process.

  7. Ally says:

    Thank you Mouse, it’s nice to hear that.

    Mick – You are definately not the only confused guy out there. I guess we did work something out, I just always feel like I am doing a lame job of it. Oh well, marching onward…

  8. Sara says:

    Ally, the reason I don’t ‘go there’ anymore is early on I did a version of this too. Most of us try it at least once. 🙂 It leaves a bad lasting impression on multiple levels! The only thing I have been able to do is to talk rather than do when I get to feeling this way. To tell rather than act out the urges. And my husband has learned to respond to those communications. It will get worked out as you learn each other, over time. And it does get easier…but even then, there will be new things and surprises. And wouldn’t it get boring without that?

  9. Ally says:

    Sara, A bad lasting impression is right on, I didn’t anticipate the guilt I was feeling. Now if I could just open my mouth and let the words come out….. Never ever boring.
    Ally

  10. Sir J says:

    I think it is wonderful Brad saw what you were doing and took steps to bring you back in. It is the ability of this lifestyle to create that centering effect I find so appealing.

  11. Florida Dom says:

    I’m glad you’re feeling better and Brad knows you well enough that he knows what is right for you.

    FD

  12. Katia says:

    I am glad you were able to get what you needed. I have written Luke notes on many occasions when I have struggled to just ask. Like you, I have had good results.

  13. Missy T says:

    I’ve been going through something similar the last few days. If I don’t get my head on straight it might be weeks before I’m able to sit comfortably again!

    I’m glad Brad was able to help you with what you need.

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