it’s like 10,000 lbs off my shoulders

9/2/09

I have been concerned lately about the pain medication that Brad has been on.  At times it has seemed like there was no hope for a solution.  Every time we turned a corner, we’d think we had it figured out, something else would pop up.  Brad has been on pain meds for over a year now.  The side effects of his pain and the meds have been getting increasingly harder for me to deal with.  He becomes withdrawn, cranky, short tempered, and loses interest in doing anything.  Thankfully, his hip surgery was successful.  The back issue at this point, we’ve been told it could very well be just a side effect of the surgery and when he is completely healed, it should go away.  Of course we are cautiously optimistic, but a new exercise to strengthen an important muscle seems to be working well and even the pain is going away.  This is all very good.  This morning Brad and I went to see his pain med dr and we all agreed that this would be a great time for Brad to step down off the medication.  There is a plan in place, we’re all on board and I could not be happier.  I knew that this issue was seriously bothering me.  I just didn’t realized how heavily it was weighing on me until this morning after our dr visit.  When we left the office, I thought I would float away, it was such a relief.  I know that it will be difficult during this time of transition, but knowing there is a plan, an end in sight, makes all the difference. 

What does this have to do with spanking or dd?  A lot.  Within the past month or so our relationship has been strained by the stress of worry.  Our sex life has suffered as I have described before, our communication has faltered, and our closeness has faded.  Not his fault, he could not possibly focus on anything else but “what is wrong with me and how do I fix it?” It has been hard on me too.  This hasn’t been a year long deal, it’s been six years.  There have been better times and worse times, but it has really caught up with me.  Our new found relationship that we started earlier this year was, has been, and will continue to be amazing, I am sure of that.  But lately I have felt so neglected, (up until the spanking the other morning :)).  I am in no way blaming him, it just is what it is, and life is hard sometimes.  I have lost my temper, been frustrated, sad, and desperate at times, and so has he.   We really have come through this thing together a stronger couple, despite the hardships.  I am very thankful for that.  It does make me wonder where we would be had I never googled spanking, if we hadn’t been willing to branch out, if we hadn’t decided to work on a dd structured relationship.  Would we be fighting more, would we be distant, would I care about his needs and would he care about mine?  I’d like to think that we would be ok, we probably would, but what we have now is so much better than ok.  It’s not perfect, not flawless, but the bond we’ve formed over revamping our relationship, it’s a foundation to build on.  Every day we have a chance to make it better, or to drop the whole thing.  Here’s the thing, it’s actually hard to remember the way things were between us before,

“One’s mind, once stretched by a new idea,
never regains its original dimensions.”
                            -Oliver Wendell Holman
*I found this quote in The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle. 

I don’t think I will ever be able to walk away from what we have started.  I have found such satisfaction in building/growing/experiencing the dynamic that if it were not a part of our lives I don’t know what I’d do with myself.  We have still benefited despite Brad’s health problems.  When we can get to a place where he can be more focused on us, it will be that much better.

9/3/09

Last night I was thinking about all these things in bed.  How I have changed.  This is a small but great example of one of the ways things have changed between us.  In the past when I was trying to go to sleep, or sleeping, I just couldn’t stand to have anyone touching me.  It would really bug me.  I was always trying to get Brad to move over more or we’d have to use separate blankets.  It had nothing to do with whether we were getting along or not, it’s just how I was.  Now, every night I lay my head on his chest, he curls his arm around me and we just snuggle while we watch TV.  I often fall asleep this way.  When one of us needs to switch positions I roll over and he snuggles up behind me, puts his arm around me and pulls me in super tight.  I love that!  We will often sleep like that the whole night.  It is so comforting and I love being close like that now.

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