Life has taken on a more serious tone for me the past couple weeks. My marriage, our family, my children…their importance has become a sobering reality in light of recent events. That may be affecting my views, my experiences, I am not sure. The past few weeks I have been mulling some things over, not really sure what to think or how to interpret my changing feelings. Our domestic discipline relationship has a new and interesting life of its own. It is changing from light hearted and unsure, experimental, testing to see the outcome…..to more structured, more serious, a basic knowledge of what’s happening. (Not that we have tried everything, or have it all figured out. Not by a long shot.) What I mean is, with a little experience under my belt (or his) things have calmed down, less anxiety at times (or more) because I know what is expected, what is not. What is coming for the most part, and what is not. He still can surprise me sometimes. The punishment spankings I have received were at times a shock to me, only because I was surprised as to what was important enough to warrant them. They have taught me something about Brad, what he cares about, and what he doesn’t. It’s often the little things to me, which bother him the most. Some of the things I would have thought were a big deal don’t bother him at all. I am still surprised at the times I make a mistake, which is usually when I think I’ve got it all wrapped up. When I think that I’m far from messing up, because I am so good, right? Like right now, I’m feeling pretty mellow, unless I were to provoke him on purpose, I can’t see myself getting in trouble for any reason. The waters are calm, and I should probably watch myself carefully.
This isn’t really where I wanted to go with this…I wanted to talk about why spanking (of any kind)feels so different right now. I’m not really sure why, it feels like an out of mind experience. During a spanking, I can’t seem to focus on anything but, “this really hurts” and brace myself for the next whack. My body is strangely still reacting sexually, but my brain/emotions just aren’t engaging. Ok, so I might be jumping the gun since I’ve only had one spanking since I’ve been home, but it felt like things were heading this way when I left too. It’s become a mostly physical act. I think what I need is more dialogue between us. I need him to talk to me more. More than orders to stop moving, or lay back down…but how do you tell someone you need more talking? I can’t tell him what to say…I don’t know what I want him to say, but I need to feel more connected to him, before, during, and after. I am at a point where I need more, during play or discipline. Otherwise it’s just a pain in the butt. The basics have been covered, we trust each other in the process, we feel safe and loved, and I feel it’s time to take another step forward. If anyone has any advice for either of us on how to build on our connection during a spanking or just wants to share their own experience, please share. Thanks!