Things are not going the way I want them to…big problems, little problems, non-problems. Everything is going downhill. I am pretty sure it’s the rains fault, it’s been raining and thunder storming on and off all day. The sky has been so dark it may as well have been 9pm all day long. I hate days like this, they make me feel like crap. Mentally, emotionally, physically…I just feel bad all over. People are getting on my nerves, the dog won’t settle down, I am tired. People won’t say what I want them to say, and they are saying things I don’t want them to say. Do I sound like a big baby yet? It’s ok, I know I do.
This may not make sense but the above has nothing and everything to do with spanking. My current mood was triggered by words exchanged last night during a spanking. During what was supposed to be a scheduled maintenance type spanking the tv was on. We actually always use the tv in the bedroom just for light but with the sound off. A sitcom was on, it was funny, and I kept laughing at it while he was spanking. It was turning in a very meaningless spanking and more of just a painful one. And though I was laughing, I was irritated, I wanted it off and Brad didn’t. I had asked him to turn it off, he said, no, he wanted to watch it while we were do this. This has got to be bad spanking practice, we were both distracted. This tells me that he was just doing this for me, which is sweet and I appreciate it, but I don’t want it to be like that. If he’s not engaged in the process it’s meaningless to me.
This mood is symptomatic of a greater problem in that lately- something has been missing in our spanking interactions. It’s not Brad’s fault, or his problem, yet. He doesn’t know. I didn’t even know what it was myself until today. I know now and I hope I can communicate it well tonight with Brad, we are planning to talk. I read something today about how dominants and submissives individually or separately, usually change and grow so that their experiences are more and more meaningful, more powerful. I can feel the desire for that stirring in me now. If I can manage to explain what it is that I want, then maybe we can get there.