trouble coming my way

Anger and frustration has a way of making me forget what losing my temper can cost me.  I have actually done very well up until now.  I have been calm when I was angry, I’ve kept quiet when I’ve wanted to hurl insults, I’ve tried to talk it out and listen when I’ve wanted to walk away.  For two reasons, one, I wanted to avoid any punishment spankings, and two, I want to handle things differently for the betterment of the relationship.  Well, not so successful this time.  I had been wanting some “attention” from him for three nights in a row.  Every night there was a reason he couldn’t, and “I’m sorry, lets wait til tomorrow.”  I just couldn’t hold my frusstration in any longer.  The culprit is the pain meds for his back, they make him tired and he has no sexual appetite as they pretty much numb his body up for hours.  So last night when this happened I stormed off to stew in my disappointment and to wait for HIM to come talk to ME.  (I know, don’t say it…)  Well, as I was getting more and more worked up thinking about how unfair this was, it seemed appropriate to take his bottle of pills, throw them at him, and tell him that if he wants to keep them he better hide them because if I see them again I would flush them down the toilet!  This did not get a grateful response, but I did not care.  Yet. 

After three hours of sleep and a lot of thinking, this morning I can see where things went wrong.  It’s true, I was disappointed, and rightfully so in my eyes.  But what he didn’t know, because I failed to communicate it, was that more than sex, I just wanted a good spanking session, a way to reconnect, and some stress relief.  Maybe if I had made that clear, he would have been more accommodating.  Maybe if I had told him how disappointed I was getting, without yelling, he would have been more understanding.   Well, instead I’ll most likely be getting a spanking tonight whether I want one or not.

too much expectation

Lately I have been enjoying  Maryann’s Thoughts and her recent post really resonated with me.  The part that caught my eye the most:

 “Begin to notice how newer spankos write. Some of it looks really immature. Guess what? It is immature. Or inexperienced. Or naive, or something. We temporarily lose our bearings and crave more and more. We describe our highs as higher than the sky and our lows as completely devastating. We are completely convinced that we want the whole DD lifestyle one day and the next we wonder if the whole spanking thing was just a temporary thing. But, soon enough the craving comes back.”

Maryann is pretty accurately describing how I feel about me.  I certainly do consider myself inexperienced and naive. (I hope I don’t sound too immature.) I have had my fair share of highs and lows, and some of them have been intense.  It’s insane how much time I have spent on the computer the past few months.  And now… it’s really slowing down and think maybe I am experiencing a little bit of burnout.  The busyness and stress at our house has been sucking all of the sexual energy out of us.  It’s hard to get in the mood for anything.  I’m not feeling particularly submissive… I’m not going away any time soon or deleting my blog or anything like that, and I am not thinking of abandoning what we have started.  I just don’t have anything juicy to talk about lately, that’s all.  Furthermore, I am struggling against this apathy I am suddenly feeling about spanking, dd, wondering if it’s hormones or something, or just part of the cyclical nature of my emotions.  I mean, we can’t be on top of the mountain all the time.  A part of me wants to sit back and just wait it out, I am expecting the desire to come back sooner or later. The other part of me wants to fight to get it back, knowing how much fulfilling it is for me. So, I keep reading, but I’m trying to scale back.  Slow down a little bit, and give myself a chance to crave more.  I have read many of you say that you have gone through similar things, and all seem to bounce back.  I know I will, I just hope it doesn’t take too long. 

I think Maryann is right, it is fun to absorb yourself in what is exciting and fulfilling, but you have to pace yourself so you don’t crash and burn.  I don’t think that I have really traveled into darker activities or pushed myself into things I am not ready for, but I have expected too much from both of us, too soon. I’m going to work on slowing down the expectations and try to enjoy the journey.

building a better spanking part 2

I ended two posts ago talking about dialogue during spanking.  After a couple days I’ve got more to say.  The way I came to realize that was what I really needed came from a couple different places.  Firstly, all the blogs that I read offer me a great way to compare how things go here with how things go out there.  I can see my own reaction easily to some of the dialogue  going on between all of you out there.  Secondly, out of curiosity and a desire to learn and understand more about a different set of lifestyles, some research I did was enlightening.  In fact, I read so much about different lifestyles/relationships one day that I thought my head would explode.  It was also difficult because I don’t know who’s who in the BDSM world.  Credible sources, not credible sources.  Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I did find at least one thing that related to me and helped me understand more about why dialogue is so important.

The website I spent the most time at was Peter Masters BDSM site.  Even though my interests are narrrow in the wide world of BDSM, some things he talks about struck a cord with me.  He talks about two key elements to BDSM.  They are “control” and “pain, discomfort, and restraint”.  Contol is obvious to me, the other- I had not thought about in depth even though it is clearly a part of spanking.  Stay with me here, I am going somewhere…  Masters says:

“It should be noted that the obvious physical associations with pain, discomfort and restraint are not the only ones. Equally, or possibly, more relevant are the emotional, psychological and spiritual pains, discomforts and restraints such as humiliation, embarrassment, discipline, behaviour modification, tasks and duties, etc.”

I can certainly experience the pain and discomfort physically, that’s easy.  What is clearly missing is psychological discomfort, possibly emotional discomfort (any emotional discomfort during discipline would now be coming from inside myself.  In the beginning Brad used to talk to me more, esp. during disc., but it is rare now.)  He doesn’t care to, nor do I want him to, humiliate or embarrass me(in response to the quote).  However, during discipline, for it to be as effective as possible,  I think you need physical, emotional, and psychological discomfort/pain.  (Of course how much would depend on the situation.) Though he doesn’t say it outright, I seems to me a large part of the emotional and psychological discomfort can be extracted by dialogue, or I guess a monologue, (depending on what the dominant prefers.)  I am not saying I want to be writhing in pychological agony, …just talk to me!  Tell me why I’m being spanked, tell me how you feel about it, ask me how I feel about it, tell me what you expect and why, and when your done tell me it’s over, you love me…ect.  Do I already know most of these things? Probably, but lets get it out in the open.  It will be more meaningful, better processed, and more effective for both of us.

In the case of nondiscipline spankings, well I have heard it said many times, our brain is our most important sex organ.  Dialogue can only enhance the experience.  It makes it personal, brings more connection, engages the brain.  Otherwise, it is hard to focus on anything but the physical pain, bracing myself for the next whack, as I said before.  As for spiritual pains/ discomforts… well, I have to admit, I am just not there yet.  I don’t even really know what he means by that.  Maybe someday I’ll think more about that issue. 

If you are interested, you can follow the link about and there is a ton of information.  Like I said, I cannot vouch for the qualitly of it all, maybe you can ask someone with more experience, but what I used for my purposes, it made sense to me.  Masters goes on to talk about different types of submissives, more about dominants, and so on.  I also have to say that I read somewhere that this was a relatively old article and there were maybe some things he would change now.  Regardless, I thought it was  very interesting.                 

 

the pains of rehab

Brad is working from home today so I asked him, “would you give me something to post about?”.  I was only half  joking, I had something in mind already.  He says “the pains of rehab”, which makes sense, because rehab is the focus of his life right now.  Interestingly, it does relate to spanking.  How?  The pains of rehab are causing a lack of pain in the bedroom.  That’s my weird way of saying I’m going through a spanking draught.  I’ve had one spanking in the past 2+ weeks.  I’m not loving it, but it’s just the way it is right now.  He’s just not in the mood and we  haven’t had much relationship time.  We will make it back to being on the same page eventually.  In the meantime, my spanking appetite is growing and growing and tempting me to ask for more than I probably want delivered.  I’m dying to ask for spankings with implements that I hate for long periods of time past my limits and on and on.  Is it possible to go crazy from lack of spanking?  I don’t know, but I’m hanging by a thread here…

Dear Brad,

hint..hint…

Love,

Ally

building a better spanking

Life has taken on a more serious tone for me the past couple weeks.  My marriage, our family, my children…their importance has become a sobering reality in light of recent events.  That may be affecting my views, my experiences, I am not sure. The past few weeks I have been mulling some things over, not really sure what to think or how to interpret my changing feelings. Our domestic discipline relationship has a new and interesting life of its own.  It is changing from light hearted and unsure, experimental, testing to see the outcome…..to more structured, more serious, a basic knowledge of what’s happening.  (Not that we have tried everything, or have it all figured out.  Not by a long shot.)  What I mean is, with a little experience under my belt (or his) things have calmed down, less anxiety at times (or more) because I know what is expected, what is not.  What is coming for the most part, and what is not.  He still can surprise me sometimes.  The punishment spankings I have received were at times a shock to me, only because I was surprised as to what was important enough to warrant them.  They have taught me something about Brad, what he cares about, and what he doesn’t.  It’s often the little things to me, which bother him the most.  Some of the things I would have thought were a big deal don’t bother him at all.  I am still surprised at the times I make a mistake, which is usually when I think I’ve got it all wrapped up.  When I think that I’m far from messing up, because I am so good, right?    Like right now, I’m feeling pretty mellow, unless I were to provoke him on purpose, I can’t see myself getting in trouble for any reason.  The waters are calm, and I should probably watch myself carefully.

This isn’t really where I wanted to go with this…I wanted to talk about why spanking (of any kind)feels so different right now.  I’m not really sure why, it feels like an out of mind experience.  During a spanking, I can’t seem to focus on anything but, “this really hurts” and brace myself for the next whack.  My body is strangely still reacting sexually, but my brain/emotions just aren’t engaging.  Ok, so I might be jumping the gun since I’ve only had one spanking since I’ve been home, but it felt like things were heading this way when I left too.  It’s become a mostly physical act. I think what I need is more dialogue between us.  I need him to talk to me more.  More than orders to stop moving, or lay back down…but how do you tell someone you need more talking?  I can’t tell him what to say…I don’t know what I want him to say, but I need to feel more connected to him, before, during, and after.  I am at a point where I need more, during play or discipline.  Otherwise it’s just a pain in the butt. The basics have been covered, we trust each other in the process, we feel safe and loved, and I feel it’s time to take another step forward.  If anyone has any advice for either of us on how to build on our connection during a spanking or just wants to share their own experience, please share. Thanks!

So happy to be back

I am back from a too long with out my husband vacation, finally.  I had a good time for the most part, but it was exhausting.  At least I got a nice tan…  Imagine four women who are used to having their husbands around to weigh in decide where to go out to eat for eight days, eight days of “I don’t care where we go, whatever you want to go is fine… no really, where do you want to go?”  Then when someone makes a suggestion “let’s not go there because (insert any number of reasons)”.  It was unnerving.  I really started to feel sorry for every guy I’d ever told “I don’t care where we go…  but not there”. 

Brad and I did a lot of texting.  I could tell he really missed me.  He sent me lots of hot texts and that was fun.  Promises of spankings as soon as I got home, among other things, which did occur last night.  I was surprised at how sensitive I was to spanking after the week.  I was at my limit fairly quickly and was uncomfortable enough to not be enjoying it much.  It was kind of a different experience for me this time, and I’m not sure if it’s b/c I have been gone, out of practice, the dynamic has faded some, all of the above… it just felt different.  My sex drive has definitely taken a nose dive, probably from being tired and the stress of taking care of the kids myself for so long.  The spanking wasn’t really fun, it just hurt.  I’m going to not worry about it, give it some time, and give myself a chance to recover.  I am sure all will return to normal. 

Anyway, I miss you all too and I am happy to be home !

see ya later…

It’s a better day today.  Tomorrow I’ll be gone on vacation and you won’t see me around for 9-10 days.  I’m looking forward to it but will miss Brad as he’s is not able to go with us.  I didn’t have time to come up with anything interesting for him to post on while I am gone, but maybe he’ll do it on his own.  We’ll see.  I was promised a spanking for tonight so I am really looking forward to that…  Another thing I will miss while I am gone :)!