This is from a book I have been reading:

“Philosophical and psychological responsibility, or existential responsibility as it is called, means much more than that.  It means you and I are responsible not just for duties or jobs, but also for our entire existence.  For example, you are not only responsible for taking out the trash, but also for being in the situation which includes taking out the trash, for how you feel about taking out the trash, and for choosing not to do all the other things you could be doing instead of taking it out.  If you do not like taking out the trash, that is your problem, not the problem of whoever is making you do it.  If you agree to perform the task, then it is your responsibility.  Not your fault, maybe, but your responsibility.

To psychologists, philosophers, and theologians, who is at fault, is not the big issue.  That is a legal question. What is an issue is being responsible in terms of ownership.  To own my life means that it is mine and no other person’s.  I can blame no one for what I do with it.  I can blame them for what they do to me, but I cannot blame them for what I do with what they do to me.  I am responsible for how I respond.”

*If you would like to know the name of this book you can email me and I’d be happy to tell you.


Where do I begin? I really need to remind myself of this A LOT.  My inclination is usually to say “You make me feel so ______”. I think that there are times when it’s appropriate to communicate how someones actions have caused you to feel a certain way, but in the end, we are still responsible for how we let someonesactions affect us, right?  I still have to rearrange my brain around this, it’s hard for me to take responsibility for my feelings, especially in reaction to anothers  actions.  I tend to see feelings as something that is happening to me, not something I am producing/allowing myself to experience.  I think that I can take ownership/responsibility for ME, even in a relationship where I am often not in control.  If I don’t like something, I can still do something about it, I can be proactive.  It may or may not change anything, but I don’t know until I try. I often create my own problems just by experiencing an negative emotion for whatever reason, and refusing to let Brad know about it, just expecting him to instinctively know.  Most of the time he has no idea.

I’m curious to know what you all think about this…Do you think that being in a D/s or M/s relationship changes things?  Are you less responsible for your response to things when the dynamics are such that one person allows another to control much of their lives?  I’m sure the intensity of these types of  relationships fall on a continuum as everybody is different.  Is this even relevant?  Even in these relationships the submissive person is responsible for being submissive.  Following, doing what your supposed to do, you can still be responsible for how you feel about what’s happening.  So how much responsibility are you handing over when you give someone control?


2 thoughts on “RESPONSIBILITY

  1. Sir J says:

    you never give up responsibility for how you react or how you feel. you can however allow the thoughts around those reactions and feelings to be guided by another.

    an excellent book on the subject is Choice Theory by Dr. William Glasser. It is a very difficult aspect of D/s M/s and for many people just life to wrap your head around.

  2. Sara says:

    Ally, some really good and thought provoking questions! I don’t think Grant telling me what to do, or taking away a choice relaives me of any responsibility for my feelings or how I handle them. I am a very capable adult regardless of who calls the shots. if anything, this lifestyle has moved me towards realizing and being able to feel like I can be more responsiblie for myself, and better in control as well. “You made me feel…” never works. “When you did this, I felt…” works better. (For us I mean) Many times, if one of us feels something negative in response to the others words or actions, we discover there were assumptions or misinterpretations made.

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