The past couple days have been a little rough. I was feeling very down, not really about anything specific, only that when I don’t do certain things to take care of myself, my brain reacts in a bad way. I let too many things slide for too long. I’m supposed to work out 4-5 times a week, I need to eat on a regular basis – A med that I’m on causes me to go through cycles of no appetite for days. It becomes a problem as I run out of energy and my blood sugar gets messed up. I need regular contact with adults besides my husband (my friends), I haven’t seen much off my friends for about three weeks now. Throw all those together with losing a lot of sleep b/c my daughter is waking me up 3-4 times a night and two constantly bickering kids during the day, it’s not a recipe for a happy camper! Most people need these basic things to feel good. I can only say for myself, when I am missing all of these things it doesn’t take long for my feelings of well-being to start circling the drain and quickly get sucked down into a black hole. That’s what started happening Monday. I could feel it happening, but couldn’t really bring myself to do much about it. Tues. was worse, and by Wed. I was down in the hole. Wed. I finally decided to talk to Brad about it. Mon. and Tues. Brad and I barely spoke, we just had a lot going on and I knew he was in a lot of pain from his hip problem. I hate to bother him with stuff when he’s dealing with that. So anyway, we were texting back and forth, and I told him how I was feeling. He said he was sorry for not being able to spend much time with me the past couple days and tonight he was going to give me some “attention” (you know what that means). Even I was amazed at the momentary relief I felt. Up until now I’ve received a few punishment spankings, and the rest have been purely foreplay. I am always feeling better after a spanking regardless of it’s purpose. I was hoping a good mood adjuster would snap me out of it. Up until last night some of my spankings have hurt very much, but nothing that I thought was beyond bearing, and I now know, not even close. I was not anticipating the caliber of spanking that was to come.
So last night about 11pm we went back to bed as usual. Brad said he wasn’t up for sex (not what I wanted anyway) but let’s do this spanking. That was what I needed, a spanking just for me! I was craving his focus and attention like you wouldn’t believe (talk about feeling needy). I certainly got my wish… He left the room and went into the kitchen…OMG WHY is he getting the wooden kitchen utensils, why do we even have those here! Sometime between then and when he got back I resigned myself to the fact that he was going to use them. He walks in, locks the door, and puts not one, not two, but three wooden implements in front of me on the bed. My heart started to race and I’ll be honest, now I was freaking out a little bit. He sat on the bed and looked at me, I looked at him, gave him a hug and said -“please don’t spank too hard, please be nice to me”. He apparently was not as worried as I was he just said “Oh stop trying to control everything” and over his lap I went. I asked could I at least have a warm up please, I got one for all of about 10 seconds. He went through all of those implements at least once, some twice. I can honestly say that it was the most intense and most painful spanking I have received to date. There came a point at which fight or flight instinct took over my body and I tried both. I might have succeeded except for he had a death grip on my waist. He was taking this spanking very seriously. I think I mentioned before that I have not cried during a spanking. I had tears welling up by the time he was done. I could have/should have let them go, but I was afraid Brad would be worried he had gone too far. He did not, it was exactly what I needed, and when we were done he hugged me for a long time. I know that spanking does not fix everything, but it has been working awfully hard for me lately. I am happy to say that today I feel so much better and I’m getting things I need taken care of. It’s like it flipped a switch, took all the tension out of me, I am so thankful. Brad did tell me afterwards that he thought I was going to cry, he was worried that he pushed me too far. I told him last night that it was the BEST spanking, I need more of those (not all the time though 🙂 ) Brad, thank you for taking such good care of me when I needed it the most. I love you so much!
Something major I learned about myself this time…let me start here. It brings to mind a tutorial of Bonnie’s from My Bottom Smarts , it’s called Letting Go, she talks about a resistant spankee and what one might look like, what it is to really let go and accept the spanking. I realized last night, b/c it was so different, that in the past I thought I’d been giving up all the control. To an extent I was, but only about 50-75%, I think in the back of my mind there was always an option to bolt should it be too much. And I definitely tried to put a stop to things last night right in the middle of it. And that’s when I realized, I was not going to be able to make it happen no matter how hard I tried. (I should say that we do have a safe word and Brad would certainly honor it, lest anyone think I’m being abused, I am not). At that point I did start to panic a little inside, it lasted for a minute, and then all of sudden, whoooosh……I relaxed and really just let it go. I give up. It’s a hard feeling to explain but I suspect many of you know just what I mean. Interestingly enough, right at that point spanking ceased. I couldn’t explain it better than Bonnie, I heartily agree with that tutorial. I hope that in the future I am more in touch with what I may be holding on to and can get to the “letting it go” sooner. That feeling is what made it all worth while for me.
On a lighter note: One of my favorite reality shows starts again tonight. Big Brothr 11! I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE watching this show. It’s so interesting to watch all these strangers develop relationships, good and bad, compete for things. Throw the money in there and they all go a little crazy. I read they have recruited a rough bunch this time. I’m looking forward to watching…actually, I’m off to watch right now!