LIFE IS MESSY

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about this or not, but I am going to because even though it’s messy,  it’s part of my life.  Every once in a while, something will happen between Brad and I that causes my whole perspective to fall apart.  It makes me question his motives, feelings, statements, intentions.  He’s not perfect, he makes mistakes.  I am not perfect, I sometimes have a very hard time getting over them.  I can forgive and not be mad at him about something, but I can’t shake the insecurity that it caused me to feel.  It eats at me and eats at me until I feel sick.  The worst part is while this is all happening I feel so hurt that I don’t want to share what I am thinking with him, how can he possibly understand?  I feel frozen.  I question if I am blowing things out of proportion, do I just need to get over it?    He already apologized, but I don’t think he knows exactly what is bothering me so much.  In the past I would have just been angry until I didn’t have it in me anymore.  Actually, in the past I probably wouldn’t have allowed what happened to happen. I would accept some of the responsibility for it except that I did make my wishes known and he did it anyway, I just didn’t continue to fight him on it.  I was the one that payed for what happened, not him.  I suppose I should have been more adament about it, but he is supposed to protect me, shouldn’t I be able to trust him with “me”?  Isn’t that what this is all about?  I know eventually things will  be alright, I’m just not really clear on what the lesson is here…

Does anybody else feel nervous before they hit the publish button like I do ?

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4 thoughts on “LIFE IS MESSY

  1. Sara says:

    Ooooh, kiddo….”Does anybody else feel nervous before they hit the publish button like I do?” …uh yeah! You’re putting it ‘out there’ for all of us, and it can leave you feeling so very vulnerable! BUT, here’s the thing. If you had not posted this, how would you know that I have struggled with the same feelings with my husband? It helps at times like this to know we are not alone.

    About Brad. Well, all I can say is that my husband is far from perfect. I don’t write about the bad stuff so often, mostly because it’s hard to do that without making him look bad, and feel bad, and I won’t do that. Also one of the many reasons I write is to help me be better. His being better is his work to do. I know you have forgiven him his mistake, but the underlying question now is Do you trust him? He has shaken your faith or trust in him just a bit. I learned that it was/is my job to line up his good qualities and bad in my head, and find a way to lean towards the good and credit him with all that he IS and let go of all that he is NOT. With Grant, the truth is he has many wonderful qualities and he deserves my trust and forgiveness. Does Brad deserve that? I felt like I needed to learn to love him better. So I needed to learn to be a better person, to rise above his faults and love all of him. I and we are better for it, and yes, it is still a struggle sometimes.

    I wrote some about it here: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/02/22/wisdom-and-forgiveness

    and here: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2007/10/28/trust-is-a-decision

    Hope this helps some! Sara

  2. Ally says:

    Thanks Sara, I was hesitant to write/post any of it b/c I didn’t want to make him look/feel bad. I hoped that by being vague I could express my feelings without revealing anything that would upset him to be out there. I really do trust him when it comes to the big picture and he does deserve my forgiveness, the same way I hope he would forgive me when I act like a jerk. (Yeah, it happens occasionally.) I can be very emotional sometimes and I have been thinking about things this morning. There are a lot of other stressors going on in my life now that don’t make handling issues any easier. Thanks for letting me know you understand, it helps.
    Ally

  3. Sir J says:

    Ally,

    Deciding one day you are a dominant and are going to control another’s life unfortunately doesn’t mean you can. There is much complexity involved in controlling another person. Their feelings and emotions as well as your own. It is a daunting task and mistakes will be made.

    If I can offer this one thought Brad was there in the moment, could he have handled things better, yes I am sure he could have as I am sure I could have on countless occasions. However the fact that he was there and tried to live th dynamic as you have decided is worthy to note.

    If you think he will reflect on it and learn from it and if you have done the same then the dynamic is working. Trust is that.

    • Ally says:

      Sir J,
      Sorry this response to your comment is so late. I’ve been thinking and also reading your blog to learn more about you. I appreciate your thoughts and you are right, mistakes will be made but the important thing is that we are still here trying together.
      Thanks, it’s great to hear a guy’s perspective.

      Ally

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