I’ve been awake since 4:30 this morning, my mind is running a mile a minute. I must have been writing about 4 different posts in my head all at once and I couldn’t go back to sleep. It’s funny b/c a few weeks ago I was struggling to come up with anything. Anyway, this one seems to be the most important to me. It’s really a note to Brad, a very personal note. Why not put it out there for the world to see? Kidding… I have my reasons. First, I don’t have a problem sharing how I feel about him. Secondly, it has everything to do with the feelings and circumstances brought on by the changes in our relationship. Thirdly, this is my creative outlet and if not for this blog there’s a good chance I wouldn’t have ever written this. So, that said, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. If you do not want to read a super sappy love note, or rather a long series of statements, by all means, skip it.
Other than the verse this is an unedited and unstructured stream of consciousness. It maybe could have been done better, but I chose to leave it rough.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
When you are patient, it helps me grow.
When you are kind, it warms my heart.
When you are thoughtful, I am thankful for you.
When you are selfless, you inspire me.
When you are calm, it puts me at ease.
When you forgive, it frees me.
When you are understanding, I feel loved.
When you snuggle with me, I feel safe and secure.
When you hold my hand, I feel connected.
When you kiss me, I feel passion.
When you hug me, I feel warm inside.
When you reach out, I respond.
When you need me, I’m at your side.
When you hurt, I hurt too.
When you open up, I feel fulfilled.
When your angry, I feel anxious.
When your quiet, it makes me wonder.
When you test me, I feel confused.
When you push me away, I feel alone.
When I am anxious, I need you to tell me it will all be ok.
When I am afraid, I need you to wrap your arms around me.
When I am unsure, I need you to reassure me.
When I fail, I need you to forgive me.
When I make you happy, I need you to tell me.
When I feel sad, I need you be there.
When I feel frisky, I need you to spank me.
(Come on, you know I had to throw that in there.)
When you want me, I am all yours
When you ask, I’ll give you all I have
While I’m alive, I need you.
*hope I didn’t make anyone throw up just now 🙂
I only lost my head for a second. There we are having a nice time, a lively discussion on which Brad and my mom were on one side of the fence, my dad and I on the other. And quietly, it slipped out. “Shut up”. Did I say that? Ooops, I looked across the table to see if he had even heard me. I had practically mumbled it. I couldn’t tell, so I pretty much just forgot about it. Maybe he heard, maybe he didn’t, if he did I figured I’d hear about later.
For the record, let it be known that I don’t tell anybody to shut up on a regular basis, or at all really. It’s rude and disrespectful, especially when your talking to your husband.
Later that night we were in the process of getting something nice started in the bedroom. All of sudden he stops kissing me, looks me in the eye, and he says “Did you tell me to shut up earlier tonight?” “umm yeah, it was a mistake, I’m sorry”. Long pause……… “I want you to bend over the bed”. I was not entirely disappointed at this turn of events. Even though this was supposed to be punishment, I knew he wasn’t really mad. Besides, I was already in a frisky mood, it was hard to be worried about a spanking. Much to my delight he pulled out the leather belt. I haven’t talked about the belt before, it doesn’t get used very often. It is soooooo soft and at least 3 inches wide. It can sometimes cause no pain at all, and sometimes it’s mild to medium. Depending on how he’s using it. He has developed some skill recently, I don’t know how, that makes it hurt, a lot (but I still like it.) After a minute or two of Brad using the belt, I was almost in tears. It was a strange experience because it hurt, but I was still “enjoying” it. When he was done, we resumed our prior activities. I’m not sure that it’s so good for DD to be so unclear about the intention of the spanking but in this case it doesn’t matter, I will be more careful about what I say when the conversation gets lively.
I can finally breathe easy. Brad’s surgery went well and we have good reason to believe that it will be an end to the hip pain. We are holding onto hope.
Yesterday was a little stressful. I felt very anxious that morning and just wanted this to be over. My mother in law went with us, which was nice. However, there was a slight chance it could end up badly. Now, my mother in law is wonderful, she’s a very sweet person, not intrusive in our relationships at all. I started to worry as my sister in law was getting ready to leave with my daughter, she was telling Brad’s mom to catch any funny post anesthetic behavior on her cell phone. It was then that it occurred to me that people coming out of anesthesia blurt out inappropriate and possibly private things. I suspect you all know where I am going with this. I swear my heart stopped and I immediately thought of the worst case scenario. There we are…Brad, me, his mom, and nurse staff… and Brad says something about spanking. I would die if that happened. When we had a moment alone I told Brad he better be very careful not to say anything about spanking. And then I thought, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea bringing all that to his attention, now it’s in his mind.
So fast forward to us talking with the anesthetist, lots of talk about drugs of course, and then she says people coming off this drug tend to feel “amorous” and act inappropriately. Oh great.
When they finally came to get him for surgery I gave him a kiss, said “I love you, good luck, have fun” verbally, and tried to say “keep your mouth shut” telepathically.
Fears of being exposed temporarily disappeared and as we were waiting I just wanted this to be over. Thankfully, only 45 minutes later the surgeon came and told us all went well and as expected. About 5 minutes later a nurse came and said Brad was asking for me. I didn’t have the heart to not ask his mom to come too. I was so happy to see him, he was groggy but pretty coherent as far as I could tell. He said he was feeling tired, but ok. The nurse was there going over all kinds of things to do and not to do… Then ha ha ha, she starts talking about funny anesthesia stories. I was starting to get nervous again. She tells a story about two ladies who were in the recovery room at the same time, they were loudly talking up a storm and lets just say not talking like “ladies”. She starts giving him more pain medication, and then more. Lets just say he was very relaxed. Then the nurse starts talking about when she had surgery in her home town and when she came out it she was hugging and kissing a guy she knew that worked at the hospital. I was thinking, “ok let’s wrap up story time and talk about something else” when Brad pipes in “oh yeah we were really concerned” OMG, SHUT UP! “that I was going to say something stupid”. I quickly changed the subject to something else. I didn’t feel completely safe until we got home and I could tell he was more “with it”.
For many reasons I am so thankful that it is over, most importantly he’s doing great, and our secret is still our secret.
(Later I’ll tell about being in trouble Fri and the “memorable spanking” Monday night)
Well, it’s a big day tomorrow. Brad is having his surgery to try and fix the problem in his hip. It’s not too big of a deal, it’s outpatient. I didn’t realize how nervous I was until yesterday though. Two reasons, if this doesn’t work it will be a huge disappointment for both of us, and it’s always scary when someone goes under (anesthesia). I’m hoping today and tomorrow go by quickly so we can just get this over with. In the meantime, I’ve got other stuff going on with me. I really dislike conflict. I dislike conflict with Brad even more, and I really really dislike when he gets up in the middle of a conversation late at night and leaves. Over the years I have probably done that to him many times, retreating out of frustration or anger. It’s been a long time since that’s happened and I probably would not do that now. It’s very hurtful when someone just decides “Nope, not gonna talk to you anymore, goodnight.” I’m going through one of those moments where I feel like he’s being unfair, and I feel helpless to change it. I have nothing left to offer to change his mind. There is nothing left to do but accept and move on. I’m kind of angry about it, which only makes him more angry, and increases the space between us. This is not good at any time, but it’s especially not good right now.
This is from a book I have been reading:
“Philosophical and psychological responsibility, or existential responsibility as it is called, means much more than that. It means you and I are responsible not just for duties or jobs, but also for our entire existence. For example, you are not only responsible for taking out the trash, but also for being in the situation which includes taking out the trash, for how you feel about taking out the trash, and for choosing not to do all the other things you could be doing instead of taking it out. If you do not like taking out the trash, that is your problem, not the problem of whoever is making you do it. If you agree to perform the task, then it is your responsibility. Not your fault, maybe, but your responsibility.
To psychologists, philosophers, and theologians, who is at fault, is not the big issue. That is a legal question. What is an issue is being responsible in terms of ownership. To own my life means that it is mine and no other person’s. I can blame no one for what I do with it. I can blame them for what they do to me, but I cannot blame them for what I do with what they do to me. I am responsible for how I respond.”
*If you would like to know the name of this book you can email me and I’d be happy to tell you.
Where do I begin? I really need to remind myself of this A LOT. My inclination is usually to say “You make me feel so ______”. I think that there are times when it’s appropriate to communicate how someones actions have caused you to feel a certain way, but in the end, we are still responsible for how we let someonesactions affect us, right? I still have to rearrange my brain around this, it’s hard for me to take responsibility for my feelings, especially in reaction to anothers actions. I tend to see feelings as something that is happening to me, not something I am producing/allowing myself to experience. I think that I can take ownership/responsibility for ME, even in a relationship where I am often not in control. If I don’t like something, I can still do something about it, I can be proactive. It may or may not change anything, but I don’t know until I try. I often create my own problems just by experiencing an negative emotion for whatever reason, and refusing to let Brad know about it, just expecting him to instinctively know. Most of the time he has no idea.
I’m curious to know what you all think about this…Do you think that being in a D/s or M/s relationship changes things? Are you less responsible for your response to things when the dynamics are such that one person allows another to control much of their lives? I’m sure the intensity of these types of relationships fall on a continuum as everybody is different. Is this even relevant? Even in these relationships the submissive person is responsible for being submissive. Following, doing what your supposed to do, you can still be responsible for how you feel about what’s happening. So how much responsibility are you handing over when you give someone control?
Last night was so strange. Laughable almost. I think it was probably the first time a spankings gone bad. We were just supposed to be having fun in the bedroom and I just couldn’t get into it, not for lack of trying. I was going with the flow but I was also a little unsettled. Throughout the evening there were 1,2,3,4 things that I was told about with a strong degree of disapproval of how I was handling things. I’m not saying he was wrong, it just left me feeling yucky. Problem 1 is a dilemma b/c I do try in this area and it’s a major struggle 24/7 and it exhausts me. Problem 2 just irritated me, 3 and 4 are related and those were little things I missed b/c I have so much going on. Brad wasn’t really mad, but I still felt deflated. Try working up a sexual response that way. So anyway, after about 10 minutes of us trying this and that, he flips me over and says “I can see this is going to be kind of clumsy” I couldn’t help giggling. We were not accomplishing anything poetic at the moment. But don’t think we let that stop us. Oh no…. I told him why I was having a hard time getting in the mood, we discussed, I felt a tiny bit better and we moved on. It never did get much better last night but that’s OK. It was kind of funny and it makes you appreciate when it’s good.