Change of heart

I actually got on here to delete or at least hide my page. I really doubt anyone I used to know sees this anymore.  BUT, I somehow managed to remember log in info and decided to update instead.
I am doing fantastic!  My family is doing fantastic… things are great.  Sure the world is in turmoil right now, but I am happy and can’t complain.  To all my friends I made here, in case you see this, I love and miss you all!


One of my flaws is that I’m pretty negative, a pessimist, or both.  I’m also extremely critical of myself but hate to show weakness.  I’m also strange that I can be pretty vulnerable with someone I barely know but the people I’m closer to I’m pretty hard around. I suppose part of that is because in relationships people let you down and I’m just not very quick to forgive.

I am getting totally off track… victories.

My marriage survived more than a decade of Brad being addicted to prescription drugs- and all the dysfunction that goes along with it. This is no easy thing, not a small feat.  I didn’t say I did it well or with grace but we clawed our way back to some sort of normalcy.  I spent a lot of time blaming him for it.  I still do a little.  I saw red flags in his flippant attitude about it before he actually got hooked.  Whoops – going down the rabbit hole again.

Victories- he is sober now, and I am incredibly grateful for that.  It’s been almost three yrs.

Another victory- I’ve managed to let go of a lot of the hurts and things that happped.  Sometime later I have let go for the same things week after week.

I think I mentioned I’m pretty hard on myself. Not just hard, I self talk my self into deep dark holes of depression.  I have gotten way better at recognizing when I  am doing that, what makes me vulnerable to that.  And I’ve gotten way better at positive self talk.

Time will tell how my kids have faired.  I did the best I could. I can’t help but worry that I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I wasn’t there 100%.  I did the best I could at the time.  I hope it was enough.

So anyway, I meant for this to be a focus on the positive.  There is much to be grateful for…

I’m back

Well, for the moment . Actually shocked I managed to log in after all this time. We’ll see how this goes friends.  My therapist suggested journaling again and this is sort of like journaling, right?  Any of my old blogging friends still around ?  I have missed you guys!  I think about you all occasionally, I met some pretty spectacular people through this blogging community.

Life is so different now. My marriage hit a point where it almost crashed and burned after Brad got off the opiates.  There was so much damage I didn’t know if it could be repaired. We got hooked up with an amazing therapist who has helped a ton and we are doing well. Not perfect or without issues but heck, we are still together and that’s a lot.

I’m working.  Working a lot.  It’s a great job but it consumes me often and I’m not good at balance. Busy with that, with kid stuff, and it’s really hard to not be frazzled. I’m working right now on balancing my life.  Work, family, spouse, friends, pets, and oh yeah- I’m an introvert and I really need my alone time.  I’m sure many of you know the struggle.

Dealing with some mid life crisis/musings also… like what am I doing with my life? Do I feel fulfilled?  What would that look or feel like?  What do I want to add to my life that would bring value? What still can  I contribute and what would that take? So. Many. Questions.

I started this blog many many years ago talking about spanking and so on.  If your looking for some fun stories about that they won’t be here.  I still consider it my fetish, bc it’s the only thing that gets me off but none that is happening here. I’m just not in a place where I trust either of us for that activity.  It’s a little sad but I’m all about safety right now.  I just can’t go there.  I’ve got walls and triggers and issues that still need to be resolved. We still have sex though not nearly as often as one of us would like.  What we need is rebuilding.  And then the fun can happen maybe. We shall see…  all I can say about it is I’m doing the best I can.


holy crap it’s been too long

Seriously, it’s been too long.  And I don’t care if I have any readers , really.  I just miss writing.  And I’m not sure I’ll be able to write about my original topic, but I might.  So much has changed in the past several years.  Brad’s been off the pain pills for about a year, maybe more… and it’s definitely been better, though he still struggles with some health issues, and we all still live with the after effects of what addiction can do to the dynamics of a family, of a marriage.  I’ve been off Wellbutrin for what will be a year in January, and it’s fine, but I do have to fight sometimes to stay above depression.  I must say, I am doing a good job at managing it.  I started a job last spring and quit it this past fall.  It was a very stressful job that required tons of overtime every week and was going to make me physically ill.  I’m doing something temporary now that is much more aligned with what makes me happy I can still have a life.  It’s perfect for right now.  So it’s good.  Kids are good.  Everybody is just fine.

So now that we’re caught up on regular life….  who wants to talk about D/s?  🙂

I miss that dynamic so much… but I will say it’s not possible to have a husband, who you want to be dominant, who has a substance abuse problem.  Nope… doesn’t work.  Leads to lots of heart ache, disappointment, pain, and regret.  As I said,  Brad has gotten through the worst part.  He’s now trying to get off of something that he has taken for a while that helped him get off of more serious drugs.  Now we’re going through that, and it’s not too bad, but it’s still all a roller coaster.  I still experience negative feelings.  He might have a bad night, and it sends me back to a bad place. I have to deal with his stuff, on top of what’s going on with me.  I try to be as supportive as I can, but I still have anger resurface too.  And mostly it makes me afraid.  I have to keep reminding myself that this isn’t like before.  Sometimes it’s hard to just stay mindful of what I’m feeling and not shove feelings down like I am so prone to do. Hmm… I was going to talk about D/s wasn’t I?  I guess I will just say that dynamic has not shown it’s face around here much for quite some time.  I spent a lot time trying to figure out my feelings with in my marriage in the wake of the past few years, figuring out what I wanted or didn’t want, and could I have those things with Brad.  I still don’t know… I still ask for spanking though, bc I love it and I need it, and that will never change.  It doesn’t happen enough, and that is bc we have children who are older now, and I’d rather die than have them hear what’s going on in the bedroom.  But I could definitely be happier with more spanking for sure!

Hopefully you’ll hear more from me soon, let me know if you are still around.

It’s been so long

Gosh, it’s been so long since I’ve posted I actually felt anxious signing in…. Wondered if I even remembered my password.

So, I like to read…. Like a lot.  Until recently it’s been most well known, or not, respected authors, who I wouldn’t hesitate in sharing my love for with just about anyone.  I like romance too, but just about the only author liked was Nora Roberts.  And then came 50 Shades…. And while the writing not amazing, the fantasy value works for me.  I’ve read the series three times and I needed to move on in search for something more.  Needed to… Bc at this time in my personal life, though it is getting much better, I’m getting a lot of my needs met through books.  However, sick that may sound, it’s keeping me sane, and excited… 🙂

So after googling “what to read after 50 Shades”, and examining several lists, I found a few that I’ve really enjoyed, and some that I most definitely haven’t.  I found that I like my books with a medium to heavy amount of BDSM but there must be so e degree of a loving relationship as well.  I can’t handle sharing or threesomes, that’s just me.  Real nonconsensual slavery is not my thing either, even in just a book….. ECXEPT… I’ve just discovered dark erotica… Lol, I know I sound so naive… It’s not what you think, this is about a kidnapping… And holy crap, is it fun.  I’m so in love with the series I just read that I had to share.  The first book is called Captive In the Dark, it’s the biggest mindfuck of a book journey I’ve ever been on and I loved every minute of it. It deliciously dark and scary and gut wrenching, and sweet.  Yum, just yum.

That’s pretty much what I wanted to say… :). I wish I had more.  I’m doing well, Brad is doing better… Almost completely off the pain meds. He enlisted help from someone else and it’s working.  We are doing better, and I’m not angry.  So that’s a good thing.  I’m hoping that I will feel like writing here more often… D/s is something I miss A LOT.  Our biggest problem is having two children with bedrooms close to ours and we hardly ever get to be alone.  We do get our chances here and there and when spanking happens it makes me a very happy and relaxed girl. Hopefully more to come!

Lighter today

It only took three weeks but I finally let it out… Let my anger spill. And I think I did it in a pretty calm manner. And boy do I feel so much better.  It’s amazing how heavy all that was…  nothing is fixed, but still… Forward momentum and all ….

The thing about it…

The thing about a high functioning addict is that it’s hard tat talk to them about it and say “hey, look at all the crap your screwing up, you know, besides your marriage”. rarely it’s not too often that there is a huge problem with work or whatever.  He hides it well and in fact,  Tramadol makes him a highly energetic and efficient person.  If he takes a bunch he can get a whole lot done.  I’m sure it’s great for his job.  Sooooo, what’s the downside?  It’s never enough, like any narcotic, you need more and more to keep you going.  The doctor will only give so many, and tvan you have to order them from India or some other country.  Sounds safe right…. Nor only that, there is a ton of acetemenaphin in these pills.  I spend a lot of time wondering just how long he’s going to be able to do this without totally wrecking his body.. Is he going to see his kids get married?  Will he get to see his grandchildren ?  At what point will I be all alone?  And it makes me so f-ing angry bc it’s like he just doesn’t care about any of that… He only cares about feeling good right now.  he doesn’t ever want to hear anything I have to say about it bc he doesn’t want to any of the bad stuff, like if he doesn’t acknowledge it then it might just go away.  It’s really frustrating for me.  And I get to be the holder of these awesome little pills.  I get to do.e them out.. Which would make sense if he was really trying to quit, but he just tells how many he wants and I’m expected to give them to him without saying anything.  If I do, he just brushes it off. i really don’t get it. I hate doing it, makes me feel like an accomplice.  He says it helps though.  I guess it’s the difference between 10-18 and 30+ a day.  Who knows how he would go…  Sometimes when he’s really motivated he’ll get down to five, only to go back up again.  I’m just sick of this garbage and even though it makes him more energetic for a while he misses things that seem obvious to me, sometimes it make me nervous.  And every time he goes back down I have to deal with him exhausted all week and laying on the couch all night all week.  Then I feel guilty  complaining about all that bc most of the time he does the majority of the laundry and for some reason it really fucks with my head.  Like that should make up for it all or something.

I’m aware this is all really negative and down, but your going to see “really messed up Ally” for a while…

Damn it

It feels good to laugh so hard at something really funny…. But then it sucks bc all of a sudden the terrbile shitty emotions you’ve been choking down bubble up and then I’m crying so hard instead. I hate my life sometimes.

thinking of renaming this blog “life with a high functioning addict”   It’s not as fun as you might think.


It’s unfathomable, the depth of grief that the parents and families of victims must be feeling right now… My heart and prayers go out to all those with broken hearts and empty arms. I am so grateful to have my own children safe and sleeping in their beds tonight.