If you would like to read the thoughts and self image post by A Dominant Character they are here and here.
Sir J
Thanks for your answer if was helpful and I think made your message on thoughts more clear to me.
if you feel like answering:
is your answer based on focusing only on self image in relationship to yours and h’s relationship? or do you mean self image in all areas? (I don’t know if you can even categorize self image…)
For ex. “So I work towards h having a positive self-image in her submission. A positive self-image that displays acceptance of her submission frees her to have a feeling of belonging and joy.”
Can you talk about the M/s relationship in general, I don’t really understand it, how is it different from a D/s relationship? How/Why did you two chose this over, I don’t know, all else out there? Does a M/s relationship usually include DD, or is it different for everyone? Do you feel that her self image is your “responsibility”?
Can you talk about the negative ideas and feelings about submission and how and why that has changed? (Only so I can compare them with my own – if that’s too private I totally understand. Does h realize she is the subject of such curiosity?)
It’s of course your decision, if you answer, on where to do it. I have no preference. I just don’t like leaving long comments and I will delete this later.
Ally
July 30, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Ally,
OK here we go again I will try to shed some light. First off I only write about my experiences in my relationship with h and how they pertain to us. I do not expect them to be applicable to anyone else, if reading about them helps some one great and if not I don’t really care.
I believe self image is an all encompassing thing for her/me and it can not be separated or divided into categories such as relationship or work. So I meant self image in all and no her self image is not my responsibility it is hers. However she is my responsibility and therefore it is my goal to help in every area possible.
Ironically I was planning to write a blog using your question in the comments on Thoughts and I think I still will. However Self Image was a companion piece to Thoughts written before you commented. So it was not specifically meant to answer your questions but I am glad it helped.
I think the difference between D/s and M/s is largely a label and they mean what you want them to. I use M/s Master/slave because that is how h and I characterize our dynamic, she wears a collar and we have a written agreement or contract which are common elements I suppose of M/s vs D/s. However we are also married because we went through the ceremony and have the piece of paper. We have friends that have been together as long as us who did not “get” married and they are no less a “real” couple than we are.
As for Domestic Discipline or DD I don’t know what usual M/s relationships include ours however is not really DD. First I do not believe that corporal punishment in and of it’s self is a good deterrent. We play from time to time with pain in an erotic sense but it is not punishment. Secondly it is not in h’s nature to be bad so it would rarely come up anyways.
I think h struggles at times with the notion of such an independent, smart, accomplished woman finding joy in service. It is against a lifetime of societal expectation and learning. So we work to deconstruct her thoughts on these and look at them for what they are, we then attempt to rebuild or re-frame how she feels. She is part of this process it is not done behind her back.
I hope I have not given the wrong impression regarding my h. She works as a full time professional in fact she works more than I do. She is an excellent mother, a great daughter and an engaged wife active in every family decision made. Our marriage is very much a partnership that takes full advantage of two skill sets.
What is different now is the way we discuss those decisions it is much more respectful and friendly on both sides. As we are now both very clear on our roles and who does what we have more time for the discussion and waste little on arguing or being mad over the process. I hope this makes sense.
Perhaps a real life example will help. h from the beginning of our relationship has done most of the cooking and she loves to cook and is very good at it. However when we looked not why she did the cooking it was because that was her part and mine was to do something else. It was a trade of, I do this you do that, way of thinking. If the trade balance was not perceived as equal she would get mad an being the cook. Now she does the cooking to please me (and her family)with no expectation of a reward beyond that pleasing. She now takes joy in doing something she loved to do anyways and I still do the other things. Same end result in work being done but a whole new attitude.
Finally does h know, she knows I blog and that communicate directly with a few, she is smart enough to know she comes up. She also knows it is my nature to help. So she does not know the specifics but she gets it.
I hope Brad in healing, I hope this has made sense and I hope you are happy.
Jay
July 31, 2009 at 11:18 am
Ally,
I feel a little like i’m butting in – or trespassing since this was a conversation between two people – not so much a blog. I want to let you know that I appreciate you having it available as this addressed exactly some issues I have been trying to sort out. Your blog (among some others) is a good juxtaposition to a lot of the “all else out there.”
Thank you
July 31, 2009 at 6:08 pm
d,
The conversation is for anybody…feel free to add. I’m glad you liked it. Thanks for letting me know.
Ally