comfort, panties, and hated words

I can’t believe that I am going to talk about this…but I am.  You know how there are certain clothes in your closet that are favorites.  You may love them because you look really good in them, the color is great on you, or they are super comfortable.  I can think of several items of clothing that have been really special to me for various reasons.  I tend to be very sentimental and so I still have a few things even if I don’t wear them anymore.  I actually still have my baby blanket packed away somewhere in this house.  I am so embarrassed to say this but I even took it to college with me.  It’s totally falling apart and you can see right through it, but it served me well as a child and I still love it.  Anyway, back to clothes.  I have two sweatshirts that I adore.  One is an old sweatshirt of Brad’s and the other is a navy hoodie that I swim in.  I wear them both year round at night, yes, even in the summer while Brad is freezing me out with the air conditioning.  Anyone else have thermostat wars? 

I have recently realized that I’ve been showing a preference for a certain pair of undies (actually I have several of them but they are the same, just different colors.)  I’m calling them undies because they are not like my usual panties.  I usually wear a low rise bikini type thing…these are like boyshort panties/undies (whatever).  They are really stretchy and tight and trade cheek coverage for more hip coverage.  They are great for wearing under anything that may show panty lines easily.  Why do I like these undies so much?  This is what I think about at night while I am laying in bed….  it’s like something holding me together inside when I don’t feel together.  A constant hug from my clothing…err  down there.  It’s a small thing, but somehow soothing.  It’s so weird, I know, but that’s where my mind goes sometimes. 

Speaking of panties, a quick search on a few key words and you will learn that “panties” is among the most hated words in the English language.  Also in that category is “moist”.  Not surprisingly, these two words together will send some people over the edge. I used to dislike the word “panties” too, I would avoid using that word at all costs.  You would never catch me using “moist panties” in a conversation EVER.  But for some reason when I started reading spanking blogs I became a little less shy about certain things, and I don’t mind saying panties at all now.  However, this is the first and last time you will see “moist panties” mentioned on my blog. I should probably stop now before I get myself in trouble.

getting through

I am trying to think about something meaningful to post about… but I can’t ignore what is in front of my face.  I’ve been waiting to share that my grandma died a week ago.  This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I’ve felt many things, tried to allow myself to go through them fully so that I can work through it all in a way that won’t leave me stuck.  There is enough of that already. I have a strong awareness of how past hurts can wreak havoc in one’s life years down the road (things that have nothing to do with her.)  This is one I don’t want to do wrong.  I can’t bury it in the back, distract myself, or tune out my emotions.  I’m an adult now, and I can handle it.  Right?

After this week of wading in and out of anger, sadness, guilt, pity, sympathy, and fear I’ve come out on the other side whole and intact.  My faith, my husband, my friends have been my rock on which I’ve been leaning.  I’m very thankful for all the support I’ve received.  I still feel a bit scrambled,  in unfamiliar territory, but more relaxed.  I’m sure I am not free from struggle but I have confidence that I can move on and I will be fine.  The earth will keep spinning.

acronym hell- or hilarious

I don’t use acronyms often, but I don’t know very many.  I’ve been able to figure out what the most common ones are, but occasionally run across some that I just can’t figure out.  There were a few that I kept seeing and didn’t know what they meant, so I found netlingo.com to help me and surprise, surprise there are more acronyms than I ever wanted to know about… Although you probably won’t see me using acronyms much I wanted to list some of the ones that I found amusing.  Enjoy.

 AAAAA – American Association for Acronym Abuse  (it must be a serious problem)

AAK – Asleep At Keyboard (if you need to say this, just go to bed)

CTC – Care To Chat -or- Contact -or- Choking The Chicken (seriously guys, I don’t think you want to risk mixing these up, better to just type it out)

DWWWI – Surfing the World Wide Web while intoxicated     (probably not the best idea)

GMTFT – great minds think for themselves     (CD, I thought you might like this one)

IANADBIPOOTV – I am not a Dr but I play one on tv   (is this really said enough to warrent an acronym?)

IBK - idiot behind keyboard   (if you say so…)

IPN – I’m posting naked  (I’m not asking…)

IWBAPTAKYAIYSTA – I will buy a plane ticket and kick your ass if you say that again  (this could become an expensive anger problem)

WMPL – wet my pants laughing (I don’t know about you, but I would never admit to this)

WWSD – what would satan do?  (who asks this?)

Special For Spankos (or should I say SFS)

YBS – you’ll be sorry  (will I?)

UCWAP – up a creek without a paddle (awww too bad, maybe you can use  a big stick instead?)

ILF/MD – I love female/male dominance (I’m assuming you have to pick one or the other)

GYPO – get your pants off  (and the fun begins!)

BOHICA – Bend over here it comes again (I’m waiting…)

NSTLC – need some tender loving care (especially if you found a big stick)

Sadly OTK did not make the list on this particular site, and I’ve never seen INAS anywhere  (I’m betting can you guess what that means!)

 

my Friday night

This weekend has been pretty busy, but interesting and fun at times.  On Friday night Brad and I took our son to a birthday party at a roller skating rink.  We left our daughter with my parents and decided to stay with S (son) since we don’t really know any of the parents at his new school.  It was his first time roller skating and it took a while for him get the hang of it.  He looked so cute hugging the wall all the way around, falling all over the place.  After about 10 minutes of sitting around Brad and I decided to skate too, it was like stepping back into the past when I’d go with friends.  Brad and I used to rollerblade a lot, and I can rollerblade my 100lb dog around the neighborhood, I wasn’t too concerned for our safety.  We really had a lot of fun and it was nice to see S having a good time with his new friends. 

After we got the kids to bed I got on the computer for a few minutes.  Dante was kind enough to give me some great advice in relation to my previous post, which I took, and I have felt much better since.  It has been some relief from the turmoil.  I didn’t talk to Brad about it after, he’s personally involved, for some reason that makes it harder.  I felt raw and vulnerable didn’t want to talk about it anymore.  It had been a long day and I was tired, I wanted to sleep.  I got ready for bed and layed down, about 15 minutes later Brad comes in, hugs and kisses me, and says, I’m coming back in 5 minutes and I’m going to spank you.  (Huh?) I groaned and told him I’m just not really in the mood right now, I’m tired.  He asked if something was wrong, not technically, no nothings wrong.  Ok, you don’t get to decide, I’ll be back in five minutes.  I protested lightly but he was determined.

Alas, he was back in five minutes and off went my pants, and a few minutes later the last of my protection.  The occasion was cryptic in that I was unsure of its purpose.  There were no sexual undertones (yet), and as far as I knew, I had done nothing wrong.  It all started out innocently enough, little did I know he was warming me up for a full blown spanking.  I don’t really remember all the exact details, only that he was relentless and kept switching from hand, to belt, to paddle and back again.  In the beginning my first thoughts were -  I could easily cry right now, let it out, do I want to let it out? Do I really want to do this now?  It could be really good for me, but…Without much thought, I decided no, and I turned everything off.  Avoidance, my specialty.  That is until it all became too hard to ignore.  My bottom was on fire, I was struggling and failing to stay in place with every strike.   Then my body betrayed me.  Emotion leaked out and the tears came.  It wasn’t a big burst of emotion, but I cried quietly as Brad kept spanking.  Eventually, he stopped and rubbed my back for a while.  I layed there panting, sniffling, trying to catch my breath. I was warm and whole and exhausted.  As I gathered myself together I asked what was this spanking all about, did I do something?  ‘Just some maintance, and when I tell you I’m going to spank you, I don’t want an arguement’.  Fair’s fair, considering how often I hound him for spankings that I do want.  At this point I was content and I thought we were done, but no.  He continued to spank for I don’t know how long, but it didn’t matter.  I accepted it for the gift it was and just let the results wash over me.  I was in a zone, and when he was done we hugged and kissed like we always do, and went on to enjoy each other in other ways.  It was a wonderful night, I’m glad he’s in charge and not me!

it’s not pretty part 2

“Time is a lot of things people say that God is.  There’s the always preexisting, and having no end.  There’s the notion of being all powerful-because nothing can stand against time, can it?  Not mountains, not armies. 

And time is, of course, all-healing.  Give anything enough time, and everything is taken care of: all pain encompassed, all hardship erased, all loss subsumed.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.  Remember, man, that thou art dust; and unto dust thou shalt return. 

And if Time is anything akin to God, I suppose that Memory must be the Devil.”

                                                                                                                                                                              -Diana Gabaldon   Breath of Snow and Ashes

 

This post has nothing to do with spanking.  I’m really just attempting to get all of this garbage out of my system.  I’ve been debating about whether I even wanted to publish this because it is such personal and sensitive subject.  It leaves me feeling very exposed, but I am trying to be open, stay open, so here it is…                                                       

I’ve been trying not to think about it, but it’s going to be in my face soon enough.  I have to just figure it out.  My relationship with my grandmother is complicated at best.  She apparently had a great time with me when I was very young, and I do have vague positive memories of those times.  However, as I grew up at about 8 years old I turned into somebody she didn’t like so much.  I was not so controllable, not so mailable anymore.  She never lived very close to me, so there were long spans of time between visits, so maybe my independence came as a shock to her.  Anyway, she has caused me an incredible amount of pain in my life.  She berates and belittles, criticizes and judges, she is just plain mean and selfish in my opinion.  At around 10 or 11 she and my mom left me at a mall for four hours and sent other family members back to get me, (it’s a long story) that was probably the last straw for me, though we continued to have a stilted speaking relationship.   She always pretended nothing happened that day, and I just wasn’t allowed to be angry.   A few years ago things finally came to a head at my last and final visit to my grandparents home.  We got into a shouting match and we both said a lot of things.  I’m an adult and she was in my face over something that was none of her business, I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I almost left that night with my two kids and was going to fly home early.  It was that bad.  My love for my grandpa kept me there.   After calming down I felt bad about the way I said things, but not what I actually said.  The next day I apologized for how I handled things, but she was not interested in any of it.  That was fine with me.  We haven’t spoken since and I do not expect to ever again.  At this time she is in the hospital with a lung disease, her condition is up and down.  I’d be surprised if she makes it three more months.  Up til now I’ve successfully kept her out of my thoughts.  It’s hard to escape the situation as my mom lives near, I see and talk to her frequently, and she is constantly upset.  It is very difficult to deal with her feelings because as you can imagine she and don’t have an ideal relationship either.   I’ve tried to keep both of them at arms length just to avoid further damage, though I can say since I’ve grown up, my mom has done some growing of her own.  Anyway, I’m not so much experiencing pain as I am emotional discomfort, a sort of cognitive dissonance.  Pain is easier (maybe), I can sit with it, it’s more final, I can move through it with time.  It’s a heavy feeling in my chest vs not being able to sit still.  This uncomfortable feeling I have just makes me anxious, jumpy, unsure.  What is the conflict?  I put this person out of my life for good, she’s already gone in my eyes, I cannot allow her back in my life, and even if I did I have been told she has no interest in talking to me.  Fine, that’s ok.  But I still feel sadness and loss knowing that she will be gone in a matter of time.  And then it is over.  I’ve wondered if subconsciously I expected her to contact me and at least say goodbye, because consciously I don’t expect that.  It’s just not who she is.  The reality is that it’s already over, it has been over, there should be no rush of feelings for me, but there is…  and it’s strange.  Feelings of anger, abandonment, grief and loss are invading me, asking me questions.  They affect every relationship I have.  Does my husband really care about me?  Will my friends desert me when I need them?  Should I allow my feelings out, they might scare people away, or worse, they will say they’re invalid? 

My conclusions at this moment are this; I have got to get over it.  I have to stop thinking this way. I cannot let what happened overshadow the rest of my life, the rest of my relationships.  There is a reason that I experience doubts, but it has nothing to do with everyone else.  I’ve got to remember that…

It’s not pretty…

I turned down another spanking last night.  I am starting to think that the more I do not feel like one, the more I need it.  I am afraid that it will do no good.  I’m afraid of a lot of things right now.  I probably am in great need of what Sara calls an insanity spanking.  I’m trying to hold onto my sanity right now.  I’ve dealt with depression for a long time.  Since I started a med. about a year and a half ago I have been feeling great, normal.  I’ve been playing around with my antidepr. lately, higher, lower,  now I am dealing with feeling worse.  Don’t eat for three days, then I’m starving, can’t sleep much for three days, then I am exhausted.  It takes its toll… I am trying to get back on track with what was working before.  Normal again, that’s what I need. 

On top of all this one of my grandparents is in the hospital dying.   My husband is trying to get off pain meds and is very grumpy.  My seven year old has a major attitude problem.  Every little thing feels so big.  I have to keep reminding myself that it won’t always be like this.  It’s easy to lose perspective.  I have lost perspective (deep breath) I’ll be back…

What!?! Ally doesn’t want a spanking?

In the course of a week Brad will usually work from home one or two days.  This is always a mixed blessing for me.  I love having him here all day because even though he’s working it easy for us to chat throughout the day.  Unfortunately, this also means that the computer is not available to me all day which makes me crazy. 

Yesterday while Brad was working downstairs, and I was attempting to use my kids (very slow) computer, he turns to me and says ‘I really need to see you in the bedroom right now, I can’t take it any longer’.  This was an interesting and welcome invitation, however, our daughter was in the other room watching tv.  I looked at him and said ‘ a quickie?’ Of course.  As we walked up the stairs I was thinking, -ok, if we do this now, he’s not going to want to do anything later.  Close to bedtime is my time of choice when it comes to spanking and sex.  Typically sex and spanking play go hand in hand here, but with kids awake, the loud activities just can’t happen.  I mumbled something like ‘you owe me tonight’ in his direction.  

Fast forward to 9:15pm, the kids are asleep in bed and we can finally relax.  Brad was on the couch watching tv when I came into the family room.  I was feeling pretty tired at this point.  I told Brad that unless he needed me I was going to get online for a bit.  He said, he wanted me to come back a 9:30, ‘I have something I want to take care of’.  Of course I remember that I’d implied I wanted a spanking, but at that moment I knew it was going to happen my stomach flipped and I was contemplating avoidance.  What is this I wondered?  I’ve been nervous about play spankings before but I always look forward to them.  This was more anxiety than normal.  It had been an emotionally draining day, was that why I was feeling like this?  I’m not really sure. 

I went back to the family room at 9:30pm as requested.  I was trying to figure out a way to get out of this, or did I really want to?  I sat down in a chair and waited.  After a few minutes Brad started to get up and said ‘ok, let’s go do this’.  I quickly said, ‘if your just doing this for me, I’m really tired, we don’t have to’.  The bewildered look I got was priceless.  I stunned him, since when does Ally turn down a chance for play spanking?  He said ‘are you sure?  well, ok then’, and sat back down. 

My thoughts were – Phew, good, I got out of it.  Wait, is that a twinge of disappointment, why did I do that?  What is going on with me?  So I asked Brad if I was allowed to change my mind later.  ‘We’ll see.’  Good, now I might have options.  I let it go out of my thoughts, or tried to.  Every ten minutes or so I was wondering if I should say I changed my mind, I’d probably enjoy once we started.  As if he was reading my mind Brad looked over and asked ‘do you want a spanking?’.  I shook my head no!  I’m an idiot.  I just had to laugh at myself and realize that I may not always be in the mood, no matter how much I love spanking.  And I am so grateful that my husband was interested in taking care of me, and offering twice.  It was very sweet of him.  In the end, Ally went to bed unspanked, and that was fine.

catching butterflies with honey

The saying goes ‘you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’, but flies are gross and I’d rather catch butterflies.

Being a satisfied submissive requires a dominant partner, effective communication, and of course, some interaction. I love it when Brad is a dominant, take charge kind of guy. Even just in our daily lives seeing it happen, or experiencing it, gives me that sexual charge  that just makes me want to jump him. It inspires respect when he is willing to do the work, put forth the effort, to make things happen the way he thinks they should. It’s exciting (most of the time). It works because I know he loves me, he’s not just randomly bossing me around, he’s taking care of us and our household the way he feels he should. What woman wouldn’t love that? 

Of course there are times when our lives are not running perfectly… sometimes Brad is quiet, serious, withdrawn.  He can be absent even when he’s sitting right there in front of me.  At times like these, when it goes on too long for my comfort I start to worry.  My first thoughts are; is he upset about something, is he mad at me, did I do something wrong?   If asking questions doesn’t satisfy my curiosity or pull him out of hiding, I will do one of two things.  I will leave him alone and go off and do my own thing and try and push the worry away, OR I will (subconsciously?) stop being so nice, throw a little wall up, and go back a bit to my old disconnected self. I will also usually throw in some good natured teasing that isn’t always taken that well. It is my (unclear) way of saying “Come on! Get up and show me your stuff”.  Instead of pulling him out of his brooding, it was making things worse.  He seemed to basically ignore or dismiss me and become even less actively dominant (in my eyes).  This would leave me floundering in confusion and distress.     The past couple days have been an experiment as I became aware of what I was doing and why.  I thought maybe I’d try something else, what I was doing was not producing the desired results.   (Looking back, it’s entirely possible that his actions were telling me that he just wasn’t going to play my game, or he just needed his space.)  In place of being irritated and trying to annoy him out of himself, my new approach was to be more submissive, more accommodating, more attentive,  more everything and see what happened.  It turns out that the more submissive I was, the more he paid attention to the tiny moments that I was not.  The more submissive I became, the more dominant he became.  In fact, I was being so submissive that one little comment (possibly in the wrong tone) about sour cream got me a “wouldn’t it be embarrassing if you were spanked in the grocery store?”  Uhh…yes, of course it would, but it would never happen . 

I know that Brad really appreciates the honey.  So when I want him to bring out the more dominant side, the answer is to stick with the honey and lay it on thick!

my rant about judgement from the outside

I wasn’t looking for it, butI ran into this article/blog post today and I have had just about enough of the “you poor women, you all must be crazy” statements that I see here and there.  So I am going to say my piece and be done with it.  Here’s what I read but I’ll copy some snippets for you…

“A Terrifying Hybrid: “Christian Domestic Discipline”

       Then, there’s the incredibly disturbing blog of a woman who uses discipline from her husband to lose weight. Really:

 I didn’t want to face the truth for a while but I finally asked my husband to help me with this.  I asked him to discipline me when I didn’t keep up with my diet.  We sat down and made the rules together.  The consequence of breaking the rules is a discipline session with his belt.  I hate to admit that I have been disciplined more than once for breaking the rules and will probably be again.  I have reached the point that if I break the rules I’ll tell my husband even though I know I’ll get the belt.  This is partly because I think it would be worse if he found out on his own and partly because I know the diet is good for me.

 

 Reading these blogs the angst and self-hate that emerges is really scary. Have they chosen this willingly? Yes,  but in part out of a really twisted view of themselves. That’s the truly terrifying part.

 

    (Ally: *This person’s blog is no longer there. )

 

 

 here are some of the reader comments:

too creepy for comment

By Annika Aug 24th 2007 at 10:26 am EDT

I tried to make some sense of this last night–or even wrap my head around it–but didn’t have any luck. Int he end, I think stuff like this is more about personal problems than the poisoning of Christian principles.

It hurts me that people who supposedly share my faith use it like this, but in this case, I don’t think it says as much about Christianity as about mental stability.

  

Don’t read too much into this

By david01879 Aug 31st 2007 at 10:24 am EDT

This looks like your garden variety porn site to me. It may be targeting Christians who are afraid of real porn, but I doubt that it’s the beginning of another twisted, fundamentalist movement.

  

 

‘CDD’ Is Not Christian

By Robin Nov 7th 2007 at 3:30 am EST

I agree it is very disturbing and creepy, and I’m very concerned that it is a thinly veiled excuse for domestic violence. Whether it’s a thinly veiled excuse for s & m is another story…  

But this is a way out on the fringe group of people who will hopefully forever remain on the outer bizarro religious fringe.

These ideas are not Christian and do not come from the Bible, and in no way represent what I or any true followers of Jesus that I know believe.

 LOVING domestic discipline!

By jskiggs Dec 18th 2007 at 1:46 pm EST (Updated Dec 18th 2007 at 2:04 pm EST)

even more disturbing is a website(lovingdd.blogspot.com) goes into great detail about how to spank a woman, as well as different meanings of different kinds of spankings. If a wife is disobedient, there is a whole story about disobedient spankings, transformational spankings, and on and on.
there is also a punishment book, where the wife writes in about her bad behavior, and then is to blog about the actual punishment.
I joined the yahoo group christian dometic discipline to see what they were saying, one woman gets a spanking everynight before bedtime, and that is what she/they call a maintenance spanking. everynight now for over 6 months since ive been following this, and then on top of that if she misbehaves, she will recieve a punishment spanking IN ADDITION. Its very strange no doubt, Im still in shock!

*The one point I do agree with the writer on is it should always be consensual.  I didn’t copy that part onto this post…

I found it so interesting, Sara’s reader relative question, it made me feel good to see that someone on the outside would come to that level of acceptance of dd relationship practices, even though it’s not something they are interested in.  Note to self: Do not let it give me a false sense of security, should someone in my life find out it would be a HUGE problem.  I feel so immersed in this community/lifestyle at this point, that it’s difficult to look at it from an outsider’s point of view objectively.  It just seems so right for me, it makes me think, why wouldn’t anyone chose it?  (However, I will be tolerant of those who aren’t into spanking, gracious of me, huh? )  It irritates me how people get so upset about how others choose to live when it’s none of their business.  I can understand concern on a personal level, like the relative who wrote Sara.  That person is genuinely concerned about a family member.  If he’s happy and she’s happy, ultimately it’s their choice.  In this article they are specifically attacking Christian couples in dd relationships.  This is what I believe, the Bible doesn’t specifically say do it, nor does it specifically say don’t do it.  Other Christians have no right to say what they are doing is wrong or be so judgemental.  It’s up to each individual to decide what is right for them.  They just can’t seem to understand that some women actually want their lives this way.  If they do they have personal problems (don’t we all), self loathing issues, or they are just so abused that they can’t think straight or leave that type of relationship.  I will admit that there are some messed up ways of going about things, not all men or women are practicing dd for all the right reasons, and there are some who would abuse their power (on both sides).  They should not be the poster couple for dd relationships!  (BTW, I am speaking in general, not about the blogs referenced in the article.) You can’t take a few paragraphs from two or three blogs and say dd is creepy, it’s about pornography, we are all mentally twisted, and are suffering domestic violence.  If they opened their eyes they would find a world (mostly) filled with women who love and respect their husbands/partners… and not because they are afraid.  Women who are for the most part very very happy.  They would also find men who genuinely love,  care, and respect their women, men who would do anything for them.  I’m not saying we are living in lollipop land, nothing’s perfect, but I like the way I live and I don’t think it’s creepy.

ok, I think I am done now. 

Oh and the woman who gets spanked every night for maintainence, I bet she loves it!

it’s like 10,000 lbs off my shoulders

9/2/09

I have been concerned lately about the pain medication that Brad has been on.  At times it has seemed like there was no hope for a solution.  Every time we turned a corner, we’d think we had it figured out, something else would pop up.  Brad has been on pain meds for over a year now.  The side effects of his pain and the meds have been getting increasingly harder for me to deal with.  He becomes withdrawn, cranky, short tempered, and loses interest in doing anything.  Thankfully, his hip surgery was successful.  The back issue at this point, we’ve been told it could very well be just a side effect of the surgery and when he is completely healed, it should go away.  Of course we are cautiously optimistic, but a new exercise to strengthen an important muscle seems to be working well and even the pain is going away.  This is all very good.  This morning Brad and I went to see his pain med dr and we all agreed that this would be a great time for Brad to step down off the medication.  There is a plan in place, we’re all on board and I could not be happier.  I knew that this issue was seriously bothering me.  I just didn’t realized how heavily it was weighing on me until this morning after our dr visit.  When we left the office, I thought I would float away, it was such a relief.  I know that it will be difficult during this time of transition, but knowing there is a plan, an end in sight, makes all the difference. 

What does this have to do with spanking or dd?  A lot.  Within the past month or so our relationship has been strained by the stress of worry.  Our sex life has suffered as I have described before, our communication has faltered, and our closeness has faded.  Not his fault, he could not possibly focus on anything else but “what is wrong with me and how do I fix it?” It has been hard on me too.  This hasn’t been a year long deal, it’s been six years.  There have been better times and worse times, but it has really caught up with me.  Our new found relationship that we started earlier this year was, has been, and will continue to be amazing, I am sure of that.  But lately I have felt so neglected, (up until the spanking the other morning ).  I am in no way blaming him, it just is what it is, and life is hard sometimes.  I have lost my temper, been frustrated, sad, and desperate at times, and so has he.   We really have come through this thing together a stronger couple, despite the hardships.  I am very thankful for that.  It does make me wonder where we would be had I never googled spanking, if we hadn’t been willing to branch out, if we hadn’t decided to work on a dd structured relationship.  Would we be fighting more, would we be distant, would I care about his needs and would he care about mine?  I’d like to think that we would be ok, we probably would, but what we have now is so much better than ok.  It’s not perfect, not flawless, but the bond we’ve formed over revamping our relationship, it’s a foundation to build on.  Every day we have a chance to make it better, or to drop the whole thing.  Here’s the thing, it’s actually hard to remember the way things were between us before,

“One’s mind, once stretched by a new idea,

never regains its original dimensions.”

                            -Oliver Wendell Holman

*I found this quote in The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle. 

I don’t think I will ever be able to walk away from what we have started.  I have found such satisfaction in building/growing/experiencing the dynamic that if it were not a part of our lives I don’t know what I’d do with myself.  We have still benefited despite Brad’s health problems.  When we can get to a place where he can be more focused on us, it will be that much better.

9/3/09

Last night I was thinking about all these things in bed.  How I have changed.  This is a small but great example of one of the ways things have changed between us.  In the past when I was trying to go to sleep, or sleeping, I just couldn’t stand to have anyone touching me.  It would really bug me.  I was always trying to get Brad to move over more or we’d have to use separate blankets.  It had nothing to do with whether we were getting along or not, it’s just how I was.  Now, every night I lay my head on his chest, he curls his arm around me and we just snuggle while we watch TV.  I often fall asleep this way.  When one of us needs to switch positions I roll over and he snuggles up behind me, puts his arm around me and pulls me in super tight.  I love that!  We will often sleep like that the whole night.  It is so comforting and I love being close like that now.