I’ve been awake since 4:30 this morning, my mind is running a mile a minute. I must have been writing about 4 different posts in my head all at once and I couldn’t go back to sleep. It’s funny b/c a few weeks ago I was struggling to come up with anything. Anyway, this one seems to be the most important to me. It’s really a note to Brad, a very personal note. Why not put it out there for the world to see? Kidding… I have my reasons. First, I don’t have a problem sharing how I feel about him. Secondly, it has everything to do with the feelings and circumstances brought on by the changes in our relationship. Thirdly, this is my creative outlet and if not for this blog there’s a good chance I wouldn’t have ever written this. So, that said, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. If you do not want to read a super sappy love note, or rather a long series of statements, by all means, skip it.
Other than the verse this is an unedited and unstructured stream of consciousness. It maybe could have been done better, but I chose to leave it rough.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
When you are patient, it helps me grow.
When you are kind, it warms my heart.
When you are thoughtful, I am thankful for you.
When you are selfless, you inspire me.
When you are calm, it puts me at ease.
When you forgive, it frees me.
When you are understanding, I feel loved.
When you snuggle with me, I feel safe and secure.
When you hold my hand, I feel connected.
When you kiss me, I feel passion.
When you hug me, I feel warm inside.
When you reach out, I respond.
When you need me, I’m at your side.
When you hurt, I hurt too.
When you open up, I feel fulfilled.
When your angry, I feel anxious.
When your quiet, it makes me wonder.
When you test me, I feel confused.
When you push me away, I feel alone.
When I am anxious, I need you to tell me it will all be ok.
When I am afraid, I need you to wrap your arms around me.
When I am unsure, I need you to reassure me.
When I fail, I need you to forgive me.
When I make you happy, I need you to tell me.
When I feel sad, I need you be there.
When I feel frisky, I need you to spank me.
(Come on, you know I had to throw that in there.)
When you want me, I am all yours
When you ask, I’ll give you all I have
While I’m alive, I need you.
*hope I didn’t make anyone throw up just now 
I only lost my head for a second. There we are having a nice time, a lively discussion on which Brad and my mom were on one side of the fence, my dad and I on the other. And quietly, it slipped out. “Shut up”. Did I say that? Ooops, I looked across the table to see if he had even heard me. I had practically mumbled it. I couldn’t tell, so I pretty much just forgot about it. Maybe he heard, maybe he didn’t, if he did I figured I’d hear about later.
For the record, let it be known that I don’t tell anybody to shut up on a regular basis, or at all really. It’s rude and disrespectful, especially when your talking to your husband.
Later that night we were in the process of getting something nice started in the bedroom. All of sudden he stops kissing me, looks me in the eye, and he says “Did you tell me to shut up earlier tonight?” “umm yeah, it was a mistake, I’m sorry”. Long pause……… “I want you to bend over the bed”. I was not entirely disappointed at this turn of events. Even though this was supposed to be punishment, I knew he wasn’t really mad. Besides, I was already in a frisky mood, it was hard to be worried about a spanking. Much to my delight he pulled out the leather belt. I haven’t talked about the belt before, it doesn’t get used very often. It is soooooo soft and at least 3 inches wide. It can sometimes cause no pain at all, and sometimes it’s mild to medium. Depending on how he’s using it. He has developed some skill recently, I don’t know how, that makes it hurt, a lot (but I still like it.) After a minute or two of Brad using the belt, I was almost in tears. It was a strange experience because it hurt, but I was still “enjoying” it. When he was done, we resumed our prior activities. I’m not sure that it’s so good for DD to be so unclear about the intention of the spanking but in this case it doesn’t matter, I will be more careful about what I say when the conversation gets lively.
I can finally breathe easy. Brad’s surgery went well and we have good reason to believe that it will be an end to the hip pain. We are holding onto hope.
Yesterday was a little stressful. I felt very anxious that morning and just wanted this to be over. My mother in law went with us, which was nice. However, there was a slight chance it could end up badly. Now, my mother in law is wonderful, she’s a very sweet person, not intrusive in our relationships at all. I started to worry as my sister in law was getting ready to leave with my daughter, she was telling Brad’s mom to catch any funny post anesthetic behavior on her cell phone. It was then that it occurred to me that people coming out of anesthesia blurt out inappropriate and possibly private things. I suspect you all know where I am going with this. I swear my heart stopped and I immediately thought of the worst case scenario. There we are…Brad, me, his mom, and nurse staff… and Brad says something about spanking. I would die if that happened. When we had a moment alone I told Brad he better be very careful not to say anything about spanking. And then I thought, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea bringing all that to his attention, now it’s in his mind.
So fast forward to us talking with the anesthetist, lots of talk about drugs of course, and then she says people coming off this drug tend to feel “amorous” and act inappropriately. Oh great.
When they finally came to get him for surgery I gave him a kiss, said “I love you, good luck, have fun” verbally, and tried to say ”keep your mouth shut” telepathically.
Fears of being exposed temporarily disappeared and as we were waiting I just wanted this to be over. Thankfully, only 45 minutes later the surgeon came and told us all went well and as expected. About 5 minutes later a nurse came and said Brad was asking for me. I didn’t have the heart to not ask his mom to come too. I was so happy to see him, he was groggy but pretty coherent as far as I could tell. He said he was feeling tired, but ok. The nurse was there going over all kinds of things to do and not to do… Then ha ha ha, she starts talking about funny anesthesia stories. I was starting to get nervous again. She tells a story about two ladies who were in the recovery room at the same time, they were loudly talking up a storm and lets just say not talking like “ladies”. She starts giving him more pain medication, and then more. Lets just say he was very relaxed. Then the nurse starts talking about when she had surgery in her home town and when she came out it she was hugging and kissing a guy she knew that worked at the hospital. I was thinking, “ok let’s wrap up story time and talk about something else” when Brad pipes in ”oh yeah we were really concerned” OMG, SHUT UP! “that I was going to say something stupid”. I quickly changed the subject to something else. I didn’t feel completely safe until we got home and I could tell he was more “with it”.
For many reasons I am so thankful that it is over, most importantly he’s doing great, and our secret is still our secret.
(Later I’ll tell about being in trouble Fri and the “memorable spanking” Monday night)
Well, it’s a big day tomorrow. Brad is having his surgery to try and fix the problem in his hip. It’s not too big of a deal, it’s outpatient. I didn’t realize how nervous I was until yesterday though. Two reasons, if this doesn’t work it will be a huge disappointment for both of us, and it’s always scary when someone goes under (anesthesia). I’m hoping today and tomorrow go by quickly so we can just get this over with. In the meantime, I’ve got other stuff going on with me. I really dislike conflict. I dislike conflict with Brad even more, and I really really dislike when he gets up in the middle of a conversation late at night and leaves. Over the years I have probably done that to him many times, retreating out of frustration or anger. It’s been a long time since that’s happened and I probably would not do that now. It’s very hurtful when someone just decides “Nope, not gonna talk to you anymore, goodnight.” I’m going through one of those moments where I feel like he’s being unfair, and I feel helpless to change it. I have nothing left to offer to change his mind. There is nothing left to do but accept and move on. I’m kind of angry about it, which only makes him more angry, and increases the space between us. This is not good at any time, but it’s especially not good right now.
This is from a book I have been reading:
“Philosophical and psychological responsibility, or existential responsibility as it is called, means much more than that. It means you and I are responsible not just for duties or jobs, but also for our entire existence. For example, you are not only responsible for taking out the trash, but also for being in the situation which includes taking out the trash, for how you feel about taking out the trash, and for choosing not to do all the other things you could be doing instead of taking it out. If you do not like taking out the trash, that is your problem, not the problem of whoever is making you do it. If you agree to perform the task, then it is your responsibility. Not your fault, maybe, but your responsibility.
To psychologists, philosophers, and theologians, who is at fault, is not the big issue. That is a legal question. What is an issue is being responsible in terms of ownership. To own my life means that it is mine and no other person’s. I can blame no one for what I do with it. I can blame them for what they do to me, but I cannot blame them for what I do with what they do to me. I am responsible for how I respond.”
*If you would like to know the name of this book you can email me and I’d be happy to tell you.
Where do I begin? I really need to remind myself of this A LOT. My inclination is usually to say “You make me feel so ______”. I think that there are times when it’s appropriate to communicate how someones actions have caused you to feel a certain way, but in the end, we are still responsible for how we let someonesactions affect us, right? I still have to rearrange my brain around this, it’s hard for me to take responsibility for my feelings, especially in reaction to anothers actions. I tend to see feelings as something that is happening to me, not something I am producing/allowing myself to experience. I think that I can take ownership/responsibility for ME, even in a relationship where I am often not in control. If I don’t like something, I can still do something about it, I can be proactive. It may or may not change anything, but I don’t know until I try. I often create my own problems just by experiencing an negative emotion for whatever reason, and refusing to let Brad know about it, just expecting him to instinctively know. Most of the time he has no idea.
I’m curious to know what you all think about this…Do you think that being in a D/s or M/s relationship changes things? Are you less responsible for your response to things when the dynamics are such that one person allows another to control much of their lives? I’m sure the intensity of these types of relationships fall on a continuum as everybody is different. Is this even relevant? Even in these relationships the submissive person is responsible for being submissive. Following, doing what your supposed to do, you can still be responsible for how you feel about what’s happening. So how much responsibility are you handing over when you give someone control?
Last night was so strange. Laughable almost. I think it was probably the first time a spankings gone bad. We were just supposed to be having fun in the bedroom and I just couldn’t get into it, not for lack of trying. I was going with the flow but I was also a little unsettled. Throughout the evening there were 1,2,3,4 things that I was told about with a strong degree of disapproval of how I was handling things. I’m not saying he was wrong, it just left me feeling yucky. Problem 1 is a dilemma b/c I do try in this area and it’s a major struggle 24/7 and it exhausts me. Problem 2 just irritated me, 3 and 4 are related and those were little things I missed b/c I have so much going on. Brad wasn’t really mad, but I still felt deflated. Try working up a sexual response that way. So anyway, after about 10 minutes of us trying this and that, he flips me over and says “I can see this is going to be kind of clumsy” I couldn’t help giggling. We were not accomplishing anything poetic at the moment. But don’t think we let that stop us. Oh no…. I told him why I was having a hard time getting in the mood, we discussed, I felt a tiny bit better and we moved on. It never did get much better last night but that’s OK. It was kind of funny and it makes you appreciate when it’s good.
I read a post (by A Dominant Character ) lately that has me thinking about the level of work a DD or D/s relationship can be. It has crossed my mind more than once that even though much is required of the submissive party, much more is required of the dominant. To be a dominant person in a relationship is a huge responsibility. The more in control they have over another, the larger the responsibility. Brad and I are carefully wading into these new ways of relating to each other, ( I say we are new to this a lot, how long do I get to keep claiming that?) and are still working out a lot of things. Once in a while, when I feel like something is lacking, or I wish he would be more this way or that way, I wonder if I am asking too much. Are my expectations to high? Does my husband even want this? Does he feel like it’s too much work? Due to my perceived lack of attention to this part of our relationship I do wonder, am I high maintenance?
We don’t have many rules, actually I can only think of one concrete one and that has to do with the vacuum (sigh…) other than that he expects me to be respectful, and occasionally throws out a request at me. It’s nice to not have a bunch of little things to worry about, but I can feel like I’m alone sometimes too. Sometimes Sara (Finding Sara) speaks about wanting to feel Grant’s dominance, pushing against the walls or the boundaries just to feel them there. Feeling them brings a sense of security. I really get that, I want to feel those things too. When I don’t get what I need, I get moody. My moodiness is not always expressed in inappropriate ways, but if it goes on long enough it will eventually happen. It makes sense to me that submissive women who are dependent on a dominant man would be more high maintenance than a non-submissive woman. In my own life the past few weeks I have experienced the perfect illustration to this point. I won’t go into details, but it’s been an uncomfortable revelation that my feelings/needs have suddenly increased to a level that was not there before, when I am not getting these new needs met I get moody. Obviously neither of us is perfect, it’s going to happen. I feel like I’m talking in circles, so I’ll close with this. I will only speak for myself, so in my case, high maintenance and moodiness comes with the territory. It’s inevitable.
I have been reading and reading so many blogs. It’s fun, informative, entertaining, and at times very confusing. Being relatively new to the spanking/blogging world, it can be overwhelming. There are as many opinions as blogs out there, so many different types of relationships, so many terms, so many topics. Sometimes, just when I think I have developed an opinion about something, I will read a post or a comment, and then I am not so sure. Consequently, I am spending a large amount of time thinking about all these things. It’s becoming a bit too much. I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy it most of the time. I just have to make myself take a step back so it doesn’t become unhealthy.
As for all these different types of relationships. DD, D/s, M/s, and others… I know where Brad and I are at, I know what we are not, I know that we don’t really need a label, title, or category. We are just what we are, what we’ve decided to incorporate into our lives. I like to read blogs by people similar to myself but I also like to read blogs by people in all different types of relationships, even when they are very different from my own. I can still learn from and enjoy them. What does get kind of complicated when I read lots of blogs is this: Within my relationship with my husband, there are boxes where I put stuff. Here’s the box for DD, here’s the box for spanking and sex, here’s a box for plain vanilla sex, here’s the box of ideas about sex and spanking that are hot and I would consider doing, here’s another box of ideas relating to sex and spanking that I would not consider doing. Here’s the box of stuff that I wish I had never even read. All the time these stupid boxes are getting mixed up, rearranged, stressed and torn. Sometimes boxes overflow and make a mess of things, and then other times certain boxes are empty. There are things that are a turn on, something I’d like to see in our lives, there are some turn ons that are only good for fantasy, or only good on the computer screen. There have been events that happened between us, and turned out not to be what I thought it would. I suppose these are the trials of experimentation, and that is OK. It makes life interesting, even if it’s difficult sometimes. I know that I would never want to go back to the way things were before we started all this .
Lately it seems like our “fun” spanking has taken on a little more intensity. Maybe it’s just that they have been a little fewer and farther between and my rear end gets too much rest. But man does hand spanking hurt! Sometimes I wonder if Brad might be trying break my butt… I’m certainly not complaining though, I’ll take very painful over not painful enough to count any day. I’m starting to embrace the pain of spanking and really appreciate it, even when it’s hard to stand still. I also have to ask myself the question that I’m guessing almost every spanking enthusiast asks themselves at some point. Does that make me a masochist? What exactly is a masochist? I looked at a lot of definitions, thinking I knew what to expect, my most basic answer would be someone who derives pleasure (sexual) from experiencing pain. I found a lot of similar answers, but also some other additions I hadn’t considered: 1. someone who obtains pleasure from punishment 2.deriving pleasure or sexual gratification from being abused or dominated 3. the enjoyment of receiving pain 4. Sexual arousal or orgasm dependent on receiving punishment, discipline, humiliation, or servitude 5. a sexual perversion in which sexual gratification is derived from being physically or emotionally abused especially by the love partner
There are more but this is enough. So let’s see, do I get pleasure from punishment? No, not in the context of an actual real punishment spanking. I think all of our spankings are sexually charged, how can they not be? But I don’t get pleasure from the act/purpose of being punished. We don’t do any role play stuff, and I’m not sure if that would count. Number 2- do I get sexual pleasure from being abused or dominated? I don’t enjoy being abused in any way, shape, or form. Dominated, yes. That is a big turn on for me to experience dominance from my husband – who I know loves and cares for me. I feel like that’s an important factor. Is my sexual arousal or ability to climax dependent upon receiving punishment, discipline, humiliation, or servitude. No to all. I could enjoy sex vanilla style. Actually, I personally don’t feel like any of those things come into play during our fun spankings… Lastly, a sexual perversion in which sexual gratification is derived from being physically or emotionally abused especially by the love partner. Again, the abuse word, I don’t desire to be abused and I am not being abused. So, I think that I am NOT a masochist. My pleasure comes not from the pain, but what that pain brings out in me. When it’s spanking for fun, there is a sexual tension there for me that beats all other turn ons. If it’s spanking for stress release, or like my “mood adjuster” the other day (I have very little experience here), it’s the pleasure of feeling better. If it’s a punishment spanking, I’m not loving the pain, but it’s still cathartic, it’s coming from someone who loves me, it’s containing and makes me feel safe like he’s there watching out for me, for us. It’s been implemented to improve our lives. I do get pleasure from Brad’s dislays of dominance, it’s strangely soothing.
Nothing wrong with being a masochist. I just don’t think I am one, not if it means I enjoy the pain itself… or humiliation or abuse.
Any thoughts?
I have not posted lately but I am working on a few things. Also, I apologize to anyone who may have tuned into the show I mentioned the other day due to my high praise. The first episode was pretty lame, hopefully it will get better. We shall see…
