going somewhere

It has been a wonderful past two weeks with barely a cloud in the sky, the temperature in the 60’s.  I could live with this weather for quite some time and be happy.  I know that all too soon it will be very cold.  I’m not a big fan of cold weather but I do love it when it snows.  I love wearing warm wool sweaters, sheepskin boots, and starting up the kerosine heater.  I love being warm when it’s cold outside…and now I have totally gotten off track.

Along with the good weather there have been lots of good girl spankings around here… it’s been nice to be picking back up with normal life again.  Brad is no longer on crutches and is doing well.  Having fun in the bedroom again has improved both of our dispositions and I think is bringing us back around to the closeness that we enjoyed earlier this year.  The difference this time is now we are building on a foundation of knowledge and experience instead of working on the foundation.  We are adding to the richness of the experience. 

An unanticipated comment came from Brad the other night. I was told that I am getting much better at “certain things” that he enjoys. Since I’ve been trying really hard to improve that was music to my ears.  That same night he also said “I love your ass, you are so hot”.  What girl doesn’t like to hear that in the middle of an OTK spanking.  I was wound up in feelings of delight.  On that note, Brad has some where in time, I not sure how it happened, improved his spanking aptitude.  What does that really mean? What I mean is that he’s really started to figure me out and read me better.  He’s taking his time with me, making sure I’ve had enough, talking to me about what is it that I want from spanking (when appropriate).  He is also developing into a more dominant role.  Not in a highly visible way, but I can sense small changes.  In all these changes I can feel myself settling down, I’m more content. More relaxed.  It’s not that there aren’t things to work on or talk about, but I feel confident that we are at least going somewhere.  

Idealization Part 2

Ideal – 1.Considered the best of its kind       2. Completely or highly satisfactory

I am trying to think about idealization a little bit differently.  I have sorted out in my mind the difference between giving someone the benefit of the doubt or seeing them as a little bit better than they actually are and outright ignoring a real relationship problem.  I believe the tricky part is recognizing a real problem. 

Anyway, when I first read about idealization I immediately thought of D/s relationships and how it applies here so well.  I will attempt to explain my thoughts in a coherent way. One of the first things I noticed when I started to read blogs was how couples generally seemed very happy.  Most of the blogs I read were by women and I saw all kinds of -my husband is the best -he’s so wonderful – he’s amazing – type statements.  Part of this I understand is that most don’t or won’t say negative things about their partners on their blog (which is great).  This does create a kind of lopsided view of the relationship for the reader, especially for a new to blogs person, like I was then.  However, most people will talk about issues, general problems or disagreements, but tread lightly around the negative and critical statements.  Despite all these observations, I still think that a D/s relationship will require some idealization.  Why, because for it to work the requirements are love, trust, and communication.  There are two people entwining their lives together in a powerful way. A dominant is taking on a big job, responsibility, oversight, care, and managing their use of power and control.  A submissive also takes on a big job. Ceding control of many or all areas of your life, the work of trusting, serving, cooperating/obeying.  I don’t know about everyone else, but not much of it comes easy here.  I often feel like we are tripping all over ourselves trying to get it right. 

The dynamics take two separate people and twist them together like a pretzel.  Bending and staying there can be difficult too.  We all know that neither the dominant nor the submissive are perfect.  Both will make mistakes here and there, such is life.  The intensity of the relationship offers two things:  the opportunity for damage and the opportunity for growth and intimacy.  The stakes are higher and the potential is greater.   It’s my forming opinion that a little bit of idealization on both sides  manages the risk for real and lasting damage while encouraging growth and intimacy long term.

a textual development

Many times Brad and I will use our cell phones during the day while he is at work to help pass the time.  We will text back and forth, and more often than not, ok every time, the topic becomes about possible evening activities.  The following text conversation was from today.  Sexual details of graphic nature were omitted, I’m not allowed to post about those things.  Feel free to use your imagination.

 B: I’m here

 A: good, I’m going to get a Coke (I was feeling yucky)

 B: thinking about texting you has got me a little turned on

 A: well, that would be a natural association

 B: yep

 A: you are in luck then b/c I’ve been a very bad girl  

(I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve ever said that to him, I wish I could have seen his face)

 B: you’re going to get it, and you’ll be sorry

 A: YAY!

 B:  you won’t be saying that later when I… (deleted sexual content)

 A: mmmm… .will there be a belt involved?

 B: not sure…count on a paddle, maybe a spoon

 A: you bring out that spoon and your going to have to pin me down

 B: not a problem

 A: I don’t know, we’ll see

B: haha! I will tie you down if I need to. Maybe I will tie you down anyway – just to have some fun

 A: oh, we are into bondage now are we? 

(a turn of events, I’ve never asked but he’s always told me we are not doing this)

 B: we are into you doing what I say

 A: oh yeah, I forgot

 B: you forget a lot

 B: that’s why you need me to……(deleted sexual content)

 A: yes, yes I do

There was more but I think you get the picture.  It’s all fun and games until the implements come out……. then I turn into a weak-kneed, back tracking, object of prey.  It is very likely the words “I’m tired, can we do this another night?” will sheepishly come out of my mouth tonight.  Thankfully, they will most likely be ignored…

 

a good talk

Brad and I had a much needed talk last night.  We talked about many things.  One of the things that went wrong the other night was that we were both unclear as to what was going on with each other. 

Do not fear for his sanity, my husband is not petty enough to spank over post it notes, he assures me.  He says he used it as an excuse, he felt I needed a good spanking.  Well, I did, that is for sure.  I turned into a crazy person on Saturday and he really had no idea what was going on with me.  I know why I turned into a crazy person and it did not have a whole lot to do with reality, it was a med complication.  It is interesting that he feels he needs an excuse, I’ve assured him he does not.  Our dynamic has been severely interrupted, more than I thought, but we will get back on track.  He has been walking around on his own a bit and that is a good sign. 

Anyway, we were able to clear up a lot things between us last night. I’ve been promised some quality time tonight so I’m looking forward to that!

a spanking post it

 My husband has a real passion for post it notes.  He uses at least one a day with a list on it for things to remember. It stays in his pocket until he comes home in the evening.  This is in addition to the planner he keeps with him, which also has post it notes here and there.  To say he likes to be organized is an understatement.  I told you a few posts ago about how he has decreed that they must always be in a certain spot so he doesn’t have to search for them.  Well, there are very few things that I spanked for, I think I can handle this one, even though it seems very arbitrary to me.  It is indicative of a larger problem, the kitchen is frequently a catch all for the junk that I don’t know what to do with, or where to place.  The counter get messy daily and it’s a struggle for me to keep up with, mainly because it’s not the most important thing to me.  I am trying for  Brad, and I like it better when everything is clear too.

I was in a terrible mood all day Saturday, and I was letting it show.  By evening I felt better, Brad was watching football, and as I went into my bedroom for bed my stomach did a flip flop.  I noticed the paddle and wooden spoon were out, on my side of the bed.  Attached was a blank post it note, maybe he forgot to make the note to spank me?  Irritated, but nervous, I tossed them over to his side of the bed and layed down to watch TV until Brad came back.  The butterflies in my stomach were multiplying with every minute. As he came in on crutches I wanted to laugh, I briefly thought of simply leaving the room, he couldn’t catch me if he wanted too.  But I am not a bad girl usually, so instead I just glared at him. (Ok, a little bad.)  I suspected that this was over my attitude for the day, but he informed me that I’d been leaving the note pad out all week.  (I found out later that he thought I was doing it on purpose again to get a reaction from him, with I was not.  That little trick last week has turned around and bitten me in the butt twice now.)  I didn’t want a spanking at that point, and I can always do without the spoon!  It was good though because I needed it badly.  There has not been a lot of spanking of any kind lately and the emotional tension in my body is buzzing like a live wire.  The spanking did hurt, but was pretty short.  I could have used three times the amount.  I realized after the spanking that there are walls between us, walls that I started and allowed to grow and grow.  I had been on the verge of tears all day, struggling to hold them back, yet when I needed them most they were checked at the door during my spanking.  I wanted desperately to release all tension but it did not come. I am an expert at withholding emotion during highly emotional times.  It’s my defense.  A defense I would rather not have anymore.  I don’t know exactly what I need to leave that behind… I have an idea where to start.  I need to start talking, and when my defenses are down, I need a longer spanking, preferably with something other than the spoon.

Idealization – Part 1

There is a batch of research dedicated to learning about idealizing one’s spouse.  Marital aggrandizement is another term used to describe how one will selectively recall only positive memories of their past relationship and can also be the perception of a negative event as a positive rather than damaging. This serves to support the continuity of the relationship. The example they gave was infidelity in the marriage is looked at as a driving force of growth within the relationship.

“We further assume that marital aggrandizement does not entail psychopathology but serves an adaptive function (O’Rourke et al., 1996).”

 Under the topic of Using Your Relationship to Heal and subheading Healthy Romanticizing, the book I am reading says this:

Sometimes looking at our partners through the slightly tinted rose-colored glasses can be a predictor of long-term success.  Psychologists at the University of Texas in Austin have spent a decade following 168 couples who were married in 1981.  They are finding that idealization of a kind can help people stay happily married. ‘Usually, this is a matter of one person putting a good spin on the partner, see the partner as more responsive than he or she really is,’ said Ted Huston, the study’s lead investigator. ‘People who do that tend to stay in relationships longer than those who can’t or don’t (Carey 2005).

In another study, psychologists at the State University of New York at Buffalo followed a group of 121 dating couples.  The couples answered questionnaires designed to determine how much they idealized their partner and how well the pair was doing every few months.  ‘The researchers found that the couples who were closest one year later were those who idealized each other the most.  The idealizing seemed to help carry these couples though the inevitable rough spots. “Intimates who idealized one another’ concluded the researchers, ‘appeared more prescient than blind, actually creating the relationships they wished for as romances progressed’ (Carey 2005)

The amount of idealization and marital aggrandizement in a relationship were measures of marital happiness over time, and also dating couples were included in the book.  I really had a hard time with this… Idealization to me seems like you are lying to yourself about your partner.  Is that really a good thing?  Does it not set up expectations that may cause a lot of disappointment in the long run?  It’s a lot to think about.  I try to see things for what they are and right now I am so focused on looking atmy marriage and myself honestly in order to change for the better.   How can I change or make things better if I don’t see them for what they are?  Perhaps I am taking it too far and mild idealization what really what can be good for us.  Taking a trait or behavior that isn’t necessarily a problem and seeing it as better than it really is in reality.  I think the researchers were alluding to the self-fulfilling prophesy.  If you expect your relationship to go a certain way (for ex. Brad and I am going to continue growing and improving our marriage together and we will not go backwards) then your positive expectations can drive the belief to happen.  I can see how that would work. 

I am so not good at this, being positive.  I tend to be negative at the slightest opportunity and I am really trying to stop doing that.  I want to be able to give the benefit of the doubt instead of automatically assuming something is going wrong. I have to believe I can change that.  There was a window of time when we first started with spanking and trying DD where everything seemed perfect.  I didn’t think much about how long it would last, but just enjoyed it, and I do believe there was some idealizing going on between the two of us.  When we returned back from Everything is Perfect World, the real work began.  I have slipped back into some old patterns, one’s that can’t exist peacefully in a DD dynamic. That is a good thing though because it is forcing me to make positive changes, forcing me to see the issues, that for the first time I can see more clearly and they actually feel manageable, changeable, and I have hope.  As I said in the last post, writing for my blog has been instrumental in this and I believe has prepared me .  So has reading everyone else’s blogs, I have gained a lot from you all.

 The “marital aggrandizement” was a second thought for this post but I wanted to talk about it because I had already been thinking about the past 11 or so years Brad and I have been together.  I was trying to remember what it felt like when we were dating, how I saw him and our relationship.  How that has changed and shifted over the years.  I won’t go into detail but what is interesting was I had a hard time coming up the details of the really tough times.  And from what I could remember, it makes me smile and think about how silly we were to be arguing about those things.  I see them as stepping stones to how we have gotten to the place we are now.  This is exactly what O’Rourke was talking about. I suppose whether it really was or not does not matter now.    So is it psychopathology or adaptive?  Does it matter if we remember events in a different light?  Does it matter if we idealize our spouse or partner if it improves the relationship? Previously I would have said you should not, but now I’m thinking it might just be a good thing.  I love for you to tell me what you think –

 

For part two I’d like to talk about how all this might relate specifically to D/s, M/s, and DD relationships.

A Quick Update

Just an update: Brad’s surgery went well and we are all happy that that’s over.  Now we just wait and see if once he’s back  to normal if the back and knee stuff goes away.  The physical therapist says the pain in those places is likely because of a change in gait due to the original source of pain.  He needs me to do a lot of things for him right now, so I am having fun teasing him about how he is the one who is high maintenance now.  Well, I suppose turnabout is fair play…  have a good weekend everyone!

 

relationships: isolation and connection

This isn’t about spanking really, well, it’s related a little bit.  I am wondering if I  would be able to be successful with this lifestyle if I were not regularly writing.  I’m writing for my blog right now, if I wasn’t I could be writing in a journal.  I could be writing just for myself, or to also share thoughts with Brad.  I’m not sure if I would have the same drive to write as often if I didn’t have the blog. 

I love my blog.  It’s opened my heart and mind up in ways that I am not always sure what to think at times.  I’m thankful for that but also it can be overwhelming.  Often my posts  will come from the extremes of my emotions.  It’s freeing and scary and enjoyable and frustrating all at the same time.  Not every time, but sometimes.  I mentioned that writing for the blog has opened me up, the difficult thing is that it forces me to remain open (if I want to write meaningfully).  I’m not used to constantly exposing my thoughts, emotions, intense events, and daily life in such a public way.  I’m anonymous in the sense that you wouldn’t know me if you saw me on the street.  I’m still Ally though, and Ally experiences acceptance and rejection the same way I do.  We are one person.  

The openness is just the beginning to learning about myself, TTWD is the other vehicle that forces me open.  And yes, reveals aspects of myself to me that I’d either rather not see or did not realize were there.  I had no idea how uncommunicative I was until I wanted to communicate in the worst way.  I had no idea the level of mistrust and anxiety I felt about relationships, until I was required to trust on a deeper level.  I’ve begun to see my relationship with Brad change slowly as I change, and he changes too.  We had a great little honeymoon period there for a while, it dipped, and now I can feel us getting back into the swing of things.  Slowly but surely it’s working.  There are and will be hard times for us, and times where everything feels at a standstill.  Regardless, I love watching the changes.  What I was wanting to get to with this post was the paragraph in my book that grabbed at me.  I didn’t really give much of a lead in, but it is about relationships, and I’ll bet on some level we can all relate.  Here it is: 

“Trauma can put us in the double bind of both wanting to withdraw from close relationships and to seek them desperately.  The profound disruption of basic trust- the common feelings of shame, guilt, and inferiority, and the need to avoid reminders of the relationship trauma that might be found in social or intimate life- may all foster withdrawal from close relationships.  But the terror of rupture and emotional, psychological, or physical abandonment intensifies our need for protective attachments. The traumatized person therefore frequently alternates between isolation and anxious clinging to others.”

T. Dayton

I had some awareness about myself in this area, but not this plainly. It explains a lot, and more than I care to admit.  I haven’t yet figured out the rhyme or reason as to why one relationship might make me more anxious than another.  At first I thought it might relate to how important they were in my life, but it doesn’t always work that way.  It is true that my husband is the most important person in my life, he is the most constant, I have no fear that he will leave me.  Not a bit, but I do struggle with trusting his feelings for me.  I have two amazing real life friends that I hang out with on a regular basis.  I have no anxiety in these relationships at all.  I have more examples but I won’t get into them….   Anybody else identify with this?

my take on shaving, sort of

I can’t help but get in on this…. I read FD’s post, Meow’s post, CD’s post, and Chloe’s post.  And all the comments that followed.  When I first saw the topic of shaving come up I pretty much turned around and walked away.  I really don’t have an interest in talking about any of that in relation to myself.  I’m not trying be rude, the subject just isn’t on my radar.  However, when Meow said something about shaving and it blurring the lines between women and prepubescent girls, it caught my attention.  I have not thought about it that way before.  I always assumed that it was a preference issue for a myriad of other reasons.  So many women out there are getting waxed for their own reasons and not their partners.  I don’t know or understand much about age play.  In my opinion, if couples want to do the school girl thing, it’s not an issue.  It seems to me like the characters are teens anyway.  I also see all that as more of a D/s dynamic type thing and not a sexual attraction to a child.  But if a man wants his partner completely shaved so he can fantasize about a  prepubescent girl, I think it’s dangerous.  I’m not saying fantasy is illegal or acting out the fantasy with a consenting adult is illegal.  I do think it is very dangerous. In my opinion, it’s opening the door to the next step.  Furthermore, why would a man be attracted to a child anyway, is that healthy?   I don’t have the answer to that, maybe there is someone out there who understands this, if so I welcome your comment.  

I realize that probably no one reading this would condone sex abuse, but I am going to talk about it for a minute.  I have in the past worked with many elementary school aged children who have been groomed, molested, and raped.  Fathers, uncles, mom’s boyfriend, friend’s father, neighbors.  It’s not sexy.  I’ve had enough training to know that sex offenders don’t just one day decide they are going to go after a child.  It starts with a thought, thoughts progress to fantasies, and fantasies are entertained.  There is a fine line here.  This is really not about shaving, but about attraction to a child, maybe I’ve veered off course a bit.  When I was 13 I came awfully close to being raped by a 30 something year old guy that I had no business hanging out with, he’d already gone to jail once for housing runaway “jail bait”.  This guy was smooth and all my friends thought he was great.  I think he tried something with every one of us. His father who was in his late 60’s asked me once if he could kiss me.  Ugh…no way and I was out of there quickly.  Neither happened and I was unscathed by those experiences thankfully, and maybe it makes me a bit touchy about the subject.  At the time I had no idea how much danger I was in and what could have happened.  Looking back, when I think about those guys, it’s such a turn off. 

Maybe because I am a mom of a young daughter, I’m more sensitive to the topic.  The thought of any guy fantasizing about her is very disturbing to me.  I could care less if someone wants to shave it all, or if their partner wants them to, for whatever reason.  But if he wants you to look like a child because children are a turn on, I’d be very careful. Those are my feelings on the topic.  I welcome your opinions…

Smile, it’s Friday!

A few of us around here could use a good laugh.  This should at the very least bring you a smile, I promise.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0